


Scars and Healing

by beyzaljackson



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: 1930s korea, Angst, Denial of Feelings, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Romance, Smut, Strangers to Lovers, Suicide Attempt, handmaiden au, honestly jongin needs a hug, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-21 16:21:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18144554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beyzaljackson/pseuds/beyzaljackson
Summary: based on Park Chan Wook's The Handmaiden





	Scars and Healing

**Author's Note:**

> english is not my first language pls be gentle with me
> 
> update: i've been wanting to edit this for so long but it kinda turned into a rewrite, i added over 20k and i'm happier with this version.
> 
> hope you like it!

read in turkish [here](https://www.wattpad.com/story/195865917-scars-and-healing)

 

 

Kyungsoo looked out through the window of the automobile. The rainfall became heavier since he left home. He could hear the pitter-patter on the roof of the vehicle. Large pillows of clouds were forming, blocking the slight light coming from the moon. The trees on the sides of the road were trembling with the strong wind. Kyungsoo was supposed to be gloomy, anyone who left their home would be. But not him. He’s never been happier, finally being able to run away from that dumpster.

Kyungsoo rested his head against the window, his arms wrapping around himself tightly. He couldn’t see much through the foggy glass covered in raindrops and his warm breath. His lips stretched into a doubtful smile but just as hopeful, thinking about the mansion he was headed. His reasons for him to go there was still haunting him, worrying him, but at least he’d be living in some peace before he left this horrible place.

He glanced at the rearview mirror as the vehicle stopped, interrupting his thoughts. The old driver seemed disturbed and sleepless, he was chasing Kyungsoo away with his eyes. Kyungsoo stepped out, immediately getting drenched in the rain. He ran towards the door of the huge residence, easily getting dragged in the strong wind due to his petite figure. An old, grumpy-looking woman whom Kyungsoo thought was one of the maids of the mansion greeted him, holding out a towel so he can dry himself. She gestured Kyungsoo to follow her.

As they climbed the stairs, Kyungsoo observed multiple paintings, probably the paintings of the owner of the grand house. Kim Jongin, the holder of a great fortune, Kyungsoo’s golden ticket to leave his miserable life behind him.

The old lady coughed, suddenly halting in the middle of a corridor and separating Kyungsoo from his thoughts. “You’ll sleep here.” She sounded weary, almost annoyed as she pointed at what seemed to be a closet with her wrinkled hand. “There is a separate room for servants but Master Kim is a light sleeper due to his neurosis. He often wakes up in the middle of the night, he might need you.” She must have noticed Kyungsoo’s beetle-browed expression, she started explaining, soothing Kyungsoo’s confusion. She pointed at the door facing the restricted closet. “That’s Master’s room, be careful and do not disturb him.” She indicated before walking away and leaving Kyungsoo alone in the trembling light coming from a gas lamp, making him scrunch up his face. How is he supposed to fit into this closet?

Kyungsoo heaved a sigh as he put down his belongings and glanced towards the Master’s room. He has never met with this Kim Jongin person but due to his fortune, he was known amongst the people of Kyungsoo’s town. His fortune wasn’t the only thing people kept talking about, his beauty was often mentioned.

Kyungsoo felt a sudden urge of curiosity filling his veins, wanting to see the man everyone talked about. He approached the door and slid it open slightly but he couldn’t see much because of the darkness, cursing himself for not hitting the road earlier. He wanted to crack the door open further, walking inside even, but he hurriedly closed it after hearing a thud on the wooden surface. He tumbled into the bed positioned in the small closet. He could barely take off his clothes inside the closet, he was sure that he’ll have to deal with multiple bruises on his forearm. So he stepped out of his bed and started getting undressed in the middle of the corridor, hoping that no one would walk on him.

Fuck. Did they expect him to sleep in here?

* * *

“Mom!”

Kyungsoo jolted out from his sleep, panicking because of the piercing screaming.

“Mom!”

It was coming from the Master’s room. He raised from his bed hastily, immediately regretting his decision. He winced with pain as his head collided with the shelf right above his bed, rubbing his forehead. He hurried out of his bed and raced into the big chamber. He spotted a struggling body inside the bed at the end of the room.

“Master! Master Kim, what’s wrong?” Kyungsoo asked, voice still husky from sleep. The man stopped screaming after hearing Kyungsoo speak.

“Chiwon? Is that you?” His voice trembled. Kyungsoo knitted his eyebrows in confusion. Chiwon? Oh, right, his former servant.

“Chiwon was fired, sir. I am your new servant, I just arrived.” Kyungsoo explained, hardly being able to see the man’s face in the darkroom. He hoped the man understood his words, he didn’t have the energy to repeat himself. His head still hurt.

“Do you see the cherry tree outside?” The man pointed at the only window in the room as he asked in a calm voice as if he wasn’t screaming like a crazy person just seconds ago. “My uncle lost his mind and hanged himself on that tree. Sometimes I still see him hanging there.” His calm, low voice sent chills down Kyungsoo’s spine.

Kyungsoo walked towards the window and looked outside to see the said tree. It was hard to spot through the thick mist after the rain. The weak moonlight wasn’t much of help too.

The man started screaming again while Kyungsoo was trying to spot the cherry tree with squinted eyes. Kyungsoo, not knowing what to do, left the room in haste. It didn’t take him much to find the kitchen but it was sure scary, running around the big mansion in the pitch dark of the night. He grabbed a bottle of soju and ran back to his Master’s room.

Kyungsoo stepped back into the room carefully. The man was silent, he was laying down on his bed with his eyes closed. Kyungsoo thought that he probably fell asleep but the man straightened up abruptly, making Kyungsoo shriek.

“Why did you leave, I thought you were supposed to help me.” Kyungsoo heard the man speak in a resentful voice. Kim Jongin sounded like a child.

“I am here to help you.” Kyungsoo poured some soju into a spoon and pushed it against the man’s lips. The man opened his mouth without any resistance as if he was expecting it. “My aunt used to do this to kids back at home when they had problems sleeping. It will help you.”

Kyungsoo sat down on the edge of the bed, stroking his Master’s soft hair as Kim Jongin took a deep breath and laid back down. Kyungsoo recalled why he was put in this situation as he listened to the man sigh in his sleep.

* * *

_Kyungsoo has been poor ever since he was born. He was raised by an insidious larcenist, Madame Gayeon. She educated kids that she collected from the streets about stealing, same thing with Kyungsoo. He learned to pickpocket when he was just five, it was the only way for him to survive. He had never known his father and his mother had died before he knew what being dead meant. He grew up in misery with snotty-nosed little kids, waiting for their turn to be trained._

_Someone knocked on the door as Kyungsoo was patting one of the baby’s back to stop him from crying. Even though it was a duplex house, it was small, crowded with all the children and babies. A petite woman walked in and started talking while Kyungsoo moved to a corner, not wanting to be in her sight. She was dressed like a woman who belonged to the high society but she wasn’t. Kyungsoo could see the shrewd look in her eyes. She was an imposter and Kyungsoo knew this kind of people would be dangerous._

_Her plan sounded easy. She wanted to fool a man who was the heir of his late parents’ fortune and marry him. Once she got a hold of the said man’s fortune, she was going to tell people that he’s crazy and get him locked in an asylum. He was a little dizzard anyway. His parents were dead, he watched his own uncle commit suicide and he was heavily educated by his uncle’s wife._

_She needed help, someone that would be her snitch. Someone who would serve Kim Jongin, listen to him in secret, be at his side at all times and make him gradually fall in love with Miss Euna._

_Kyungsoo grimaced at the last words. 'What would a fraud know about love' he thought._

_Kim Jongin was still living with his deceased uncle’s wife. She was his guardian, Jongin was the real owner of the wealth. It was also the main reason why his aunt also wanted to marry him. Sick woman wanted to marry her dead husband’s nephew. For money._

_"Take me, I’ll do it,” Jongdae said enthusiastically. “I served as a valet before.”_

_Kyungsoo snorted angrily. “Yeah, sure. Take him. If you want someone to screw up your plans, you can always count on Jongdae.” He could feel Jongdae’s glare as he turned back to Miss Euna. “I want half of the money.” He said confidently._

_"He’s crazy!” Kyungsoo turned to the other one with knitted eyebrows and a stoic expression when Jongdae interrupted again. He seemed surprised by the sudden change in Kyungsoo’s expression, his bewildered eyes landed on Euna. “You’re crazy too if you still want him to help you!” Euna looked at him boredly, a small scoff was heard through the woman’s thin lips. Her stare was directed at Kyungsoo after, a cunning smile stretching on her face._

_Crazy? Kyungsoo wanted to laugh boisterously at Jongdae’s face. He was anything but crazy. If this offer was made to others, they would so gullibly settle down for anything Euna was willing to give them. Kyungsoo needed more so he could finally be free of his indigent life. He accepted Euna’s offer under his own conditions because lesser wouldn’t be enough. Because lesser wouldn’t get him where he was standing right then. In front of Kim Jongin._

“I am at your service, sir.” 

Kyungsoo bowed to the man sitting comfortably in front of a small table. He could barely keep himself from yawning, he was still sleepy because of the other night. His Master’s raving remarks about his uncle and the cherry tree kept him up all night.

Even though they already met the night before, Kyungsoo wasn’t able to see his new master’s face because of the dark. But now, in the daylight, his curiosity got better of him and he lifted his head to see the man’s face. 

 _Damn._ That covetous woman forgot to mention one tiny detail when she talked about Kim Jongin. This man sitting in front of Kyungsoo was more beautiful than any man or woman Kyungsoo has ever seen his entire life. Kyungsoo’s mouth fell open- and no, not figuratively- while the other was busy with some stuff on the table that Kyungsoo did not pay attention to. Staring at the stranger in front of him was more intriguing.

Tanned skin, dark brown eyes, sharp jawline. His long, slender fingers were now on his lap. Soft looking hair was falling on his forehead. Kyungsoo could remember how soft they were from the other night, he wanted to stroke through the dark locks again.

Kyungsoo's eyes lowered down to Jongin's eyes, he was looking at the latter with expectant eyes, full of curiosity. "Letter of recommendation from my former employer." Kyungsoo stuttered, finally snapping out of it. He held out the letter Euna gave him. Kyungsoo didn't know how to write or to read, he had no idea what was written in the piece of paper he handed to Jongin.

"You like it here?" Jongin suddenly asked in a soft tone. "You can't see the sun, it's lifeless. One can't help but detest this mansion, such a gloomy place." Kyungsoo didn't know what to say, he was worried that Jongin would start talking nonsense again. He looked around with worried eyes, chewing on his lower lip. What kind of trouble did he get himself into?

"I get a headache before my reading sessions." Jongin continued. His free hand flew over to his head, fingers slowly scrubbing his temple. He seemed exhausted despite having slept all night. He leaned back on his chair. "Will you read it to me?"

Kyungsoo stiffened with panic when Jongin gave the letter back to him. He looked at the paper and then back to Jongin. He should've asked Euna what she wrote before he left.

"Miss said great things about me." He exclaimed, laughing bizarrely. He fell silent once he realized the indifferent look on Jongin's face. Maybe being honest was a better idea but how could he be honest with someone who he was going to deceive? _I don't have anything to lose,_ he thought.

"I don't know how to read, sir." He stammered, lowering his head in embarrassment. It was no lie, he was truly embarrassed by his lack of education, most particularly, not being able to read hurt him.

Jongin eyed Kyungsoo with a blank expression for a few seconds and then turned to his table. He took out a piece of paper from the drawer and scribbled something on it.

"This is your name, you can't read it?" Kyungsoo shook his head no. He felt scared when he heard a loud sigh escape from Jongin's lips. What if the other man didn't want an illiterate servant? What if he decided to send Kyungsoo back? His plans could go down the drain before he could even put them to work. He couldn't bear to go back to that filthy house and be crushed under Jongdae's mocking stares.

"You can learn it." Jongin's weary voice filled the room and snapped Kyungsoo back to the current moment. "I don't care if you steal from me or talk to me in a vulgar way, just don't lie to me, got it?" He crumpled the paper up and dumped it on the table. His expectant eyes landed on Kyungsoo.

Not lying to him? Kyungsoo faked a smile and bowed slightly. It was a better start than Kyungsoo had hoped.

Jongin stood up from his chair. His hands traveled around his vest he wore over a silk white shirt as Kyungsoo stood in front of him. He pulled out what seemed like a chain watch from one of his pockets. Kyungsoo figured that it wasn't a watch when the other man cracked it open. It was a locket.

Jongin held out the open side of the golden locket to Kyungsoo's face. A picture of a woman was put on one side. The other side was empty. "That's my mother," Jongin stated. His voice sounded tired as if he was carrying tons of weight on his back even when he spoke very few words. Kyungsoo wanted to pat his head, ask him what was tiring him this much.

"She looks pretty," Kyungsoo mumbled. He could see where Jongin took his beauty from and how right the low people of his town were to talk so highly of it.

"Am I pretty too?" Kyungsoo's eyes fixed on the other man with an unexpected question. _Have you seen yourself,_ Kyungsoo thought to himself. He'd love to spend his time gushing over the godlike man in front of him that was Kim Jongin, but he wasn't here for that.

"Miss Euna said your face-"

"You met her?" Jongin raised his eyebrows, a surprised expression filled his face. That was the first change on his expression since their conversation started. Shit. He almost gave himself away. They should've planned everything more meticulously.

"No, I heard it from my aunt, she's Miss Euna's maid." He explained, hoping the man would believe him. And maybe Jongin _could_ believe him but it seemed unlikely with the amount of stuttering and panicked looks Kyungsoo sent towards the other man.

"What did she say about my face?" _Oh, thank god._ It was either that Jongin didn't care to question further or he was simply too naive to not notice Kyungsoo's frazzled attitude.

"She said she thinks about you every night, in bed."

"Bed? Why in bed?" _Is he kidding?_ He was no kid, you would know what someone would think about in bed at that age.

Kyungsoo couldn't figure out if the man was that innocent or just pretended to be. Jongin continued talking, not leaving Kyungsoo any time to even think about it. "I need to leave for my reading session. I'll go alone, come knock on the library's door in an hour." He glanced at the small clock on his table and moved away from Kyungsoo. "Gloves." He pointed at a chiffonier.

Kyungsoo opened every drawer, starting with the top one. Jongin didn't like any of the ones Kyungsoo suggested until he found a grayish pair, matching with his vest. Kyungsoo tried to hide it but his amazement was probably obvious. Jongin had a separate cabinet for his gloves. Was this what it meant to be rich? Lİke, really rich?

Jongin quickly put on the gloves and left the room promptly. Kyungsoo was left alone inside the big room. He stood in the middle, overviewing everything happened since he arrived.

He woke up to Jongin's screams, listened to his jibberish about his uncle and as a result, he was unable to sleep. He was still hurt because he butted his head to a shelf he didn't know that existed. He was expecting a spoiled, pretentious brat but instead, this man was gloomy. He had traces of spleen in his eyes, probably caused by his loneliness. Kyungsoo would know such melancholic eyes. Those were the same eyes that looked back at him whenever he watched his frail self on the mirror.

 _He may not be so young in age, but he's a kid in the soul,_ Euna told Kyungsoo. He didn't get to witness Jongin's childish side yet bt Kyungsoo would be okay with it. He spent his entire life taking care of children.

Kyungsoo heaved a sigh and examined the room with his eyes. The room was bigger than the entire living room of Madame Gayeon's house. It was plain, there wasn't much inside except for a big bed, table, two chairs and a wardrobe, a couple of boxes next to the wardrobe.

Kyungsoo glanced at the door bashfully and then cracked the wardrobe open with timid movements. The wooden hanger carried the silk shirts with grace. Would someone need this many shirts? Rich people did, apparently. Not that Kyungsoo would know, he had spent his life with 3 pieces of clothing.

His hand moved before his mind could realize what he was doing. His hand caressed the smooth fabric. It was soft, not made for Kyungsoo's callous hands. His mind traveled back to Jongin then. Would his olive skin feel that soft against Kyungsoo's hand too?

He shook his head violently as if he was chasing the irrational thought away. A loud thud echoed inside the room as he closed the door sharply.

He slumped down on the floor. What was he even doing here? He was supposed to be with Jongin right now, lying to him about how great Euna was. Instead, there he was, his attention being drawn by the boxes next to the wardrobe. He moved towards there, not sure if he should peek. It's not like he was going to find gold bars, right? Jongin couldn't be that naive. Curiosity got better of him and he hoped to find money as he opened the box anyway. Maybe he could run away without having to play games. But Kyungsoo has never had the pleasure of having things the way he wanted in his entire life and he sure wasn't going to get that chance now. There was a worn, ash-colored stetson inside the box. A string of the same color dangled from its side.

Kyungsoo puffed his cheeks in disappointment and put the box back in its place. He noticed another box, much bigger than the others. Inside, there was a thick, white rope. Apparently, Jongin needed a fancy box to keep his rope in too. Honestly, what was wrong with rich people? If only Kyungsoo had that money!

After a while, he got bored and decided to get some fresh air before he could go to the library. The mansion was situated in a large forest, that was the main reason why no one would come up here. No one would bother to. It was far from the town.

Kyungsoo has always been a winter person, he was born during winter, to begin with. He liked cold but here, he felt nervous. The thick fog was gone but the air was still gloomy and being around a big mansion where no one else was around was scary.

 _I could spend my life here though,_ he thought as he walked around, hugging himself. _If it meant to leave that horrendous life behind, I'd live in the most frightening houses._ But there was something about this particular mansion. Euna didn't tell much but Kyungsoo knew that both Jongin and his aunt were a little sketchy. What was happening between the walls of this place Jongin calls home, he had no idea.

It didn't take him long to get bored with nature too. He headed for the library, hoping that an hour already passed.

The library was a separate building, right outside the mansion. Earlier, before Jongin woke up, Chaerin gave Kyungsoo a small tour of the house. Kyungsoo walked around the muddy garden and hoped that he wouldn't get lost.

He opened the tall door with a little force when he arrived at the building. The door opened to a long corridor, he could see a long table at the end of the corridor. Bookshelves stood on the sides of the long aisle. A middle-aged woman was sitting at one end of the table. He bowed down slightly after noticing her annoyed eyes staring at him. Jongin was at the other end but unlike the woman, he was sitting on the floor, his head bent a little.

Jongin glanced at his aunt with worry when he realized Kyungsoo just walked into the library. "My new servant." His aunt seemed indifferent to the new information so Jongin's eyes landed on Kyungsoo again. "Get out," Jongin spoke differently than earlier. His voice was now stern and... _irritated_. His sharp glare intimidated Kyungsoo. Jongin stood up from his spot suddenly and walked towards the wall. He pressed something Kyungsoo couldn't see and then suddenly the door was closed in Kyungsoo's face.

Kyungsoo rubbed his hands together, trying to warm himself a little. What just happened? What did he do wrong? Was Jongin going to punish him? What if he'll fire Kyungsoo?

Kyungsoo's hand flew up to his mouth in panic and he started to chew on his nails. It was an old habit of his, especially when he's scared. He had pretty and elegant hands for a man but his nails made them look ugly and- _how did he even end up thinking about his nails?_ He had bigger problems he needed to focus on.

Ten minutes passed with biting his nails and sweating with worry. The door opened slowly and Jongin, seeming way more tired and restless than an hour ago, stepped out. "You're now allowed in the library." He said wearily, almost as a whisper. He started walking towards the mansion and Kyungsoo followed him.

Kyungsoo has never been someone religious, he wasn't even sure if he believed in any sort of God. But right then and there, he found himself praying that it wouldn't take Jongin much longer to fall in love with Euna. Kyungsoo lived a very simple life and he's not used to this kind of oddity. He didn't even know this guy, he didn't have any clue of his personality. He was scared that he'd do something wrong and screw everything up.

Jongin slumped down on his chair once they reached his room. "You can leave, I won't need you for the rest of the day."

"But-"

"Get out." He stood up from his chair and headed for his bed. He got into bed with his clothes on. He rolled his eyes when he realized Kyungsoo was still standing there. "Are you deaf?"

Kyungsoo bit his lower lip and rushed out of the room before he'd reply Jongin with a snarky comment. He didn't expect to love the man, he was supposed to steal his money but he also didn't think they'd have a poor relationship.

Kyungsoo stood behind the door that separated him and Jongin. The thing was, he didn't think he was going to like Kim Jongin anytime soon.

* * *

Kyungsoo spent an entire week at the Kim Mansion without being of no use. Jongin did two things every day: reading with his aunt and sleeping. Kyungsoo was easily bored and he couldn't believe it himself but he was looking forward to Euna to get involved so they could put their plans to use.

It has been a weird week for Kyungsoo. He didn't realize he was fooling himself when he thought that he wouldn't like Jongin. The other man treated him almost as a friend if you count out his bad temper. Kyungsoo didn't care nor did he think that it was Jongin's fault. The other man was lonely as the huge cherry tree outside of his window. He didn't talk to anyone besides his aunt and his servants. Kyungsoo started feeling sorry for him, this was no good way of living.

They would often go out for a walk through the forest when Jongin's aunt wasn't around. Jongin would teach him about the trees and plants that Kyungsoo has never even heard of. He let Kyungsoo eat dinner with him, he even grabbed his arm tightly and took him to the wine cellar when he heard that Kyungsoo never drank wine before.

Kyungsoo drank very little and very slow, afraid that he'd get drunk somehow and tell Jongin everything about himself. He was scared that as the sour liquid filling his veins would make him tell Jongin everything about Euna's plans because God knows, he was close confessing it all.

There was something about Jongin, something Kyungsoo couldn't understand, something that stung his heart. Jongin rarely smiled during that one week and his smile never reached his eyes. He was always in front of his window, watching outside with his dull eyes. Kyungsoo wanted to cup his cheeks, he wanted plant kisses all over Jongin's face. He wished that he could take the weight off of Jongin's shoulders, fight against whatever it was that made him so tired and lifeless. He wished that Jongin could- _would_ laugh loudly with him.

Kyungsoo had no idea why he felt like this. This man wasn't his friend and he sure wasn't going to be one. He wasn't supposed have any feelings for him, especially not compassion. Kyungsoo himself was going to hurt him too. But still, something was awakening in the deepest part of his heart that was dark as the night he arrived at this mansion. A feeling which he could not make sense of, a feeling that set his entire body on fire whenever Jongin smiled at him sheepishly.

Kyungsoo was almost sure that it was not going to end well. Almost.

“Miss Euna is coming today?” Jongin asked as he popped another bubble formed on the cloudy water inside the bathtub. “Is that why you were so insistent about me taking a bath?” Kyungsoo nodded with a smile on his lips. He poured the liquified sweet scents into the water, making sure that he took deep breaths. It felt like he was sitting inside a greenhouse.  

Yeah, the scents. Those were the only reason why he was so content. Jongin's naked body sitting in front of him did not have any effect on him. His bright skin covered in a drop of water. Nope, definitely not.

He barely noticed the other man stopped licking on the lollipop he was holding and started pouting as he was trying to convince himself that Jongin didn’t impress him.

“Something wrong?”

"I have a sharp tooth, it keeps stinging," Jongin whined in a high pitched sound, making Kyungsoo laugh at his Master’s childishness. He put his index finger inside Jongin’s mouth as the other man’s eyes grew bigger in surprise. Kyungsoo pulled his finger out swiftly when he felt the sharp tooth.  

“I’ll be right back.” He murmured and walked out of the bathroom, drying his finger on his apron. He finally figured out the entire mansion, he learned what he could find in which room. He rushed to the kitchen and found a small rasp. Chaerin was sitting on a corner, watching Kyungsoo with a judging look on her face. That was all she ever did since he arrived anyway. Kyungsoo didn’t even say a word to the woman but somehow, he gained her dislike. It was weird. Like everything and everyone else in this house.

He left the kitchen as fast as he came. He might not make sense of Chaerin’s behaviors but he was still afraid of the woman.

He walked back into the steamy room with a small rasp on the tip of his finger. Jongin pulled his knees to his chest, his arms were wrapped around himself. His body was twice as big as Kyungsoo but sitting like that, he seemed smaller. Kyungsoo wanted to run his fingers through Jongin’s wet hair and plant a small kiss on his forehead.

Jongin lifted his head when he heard the door close. Kyungsoo moved towards the bathtub and kneeled next to it. He grabbed Jongin’s chin with one hand. Jongin opened his mouth as if he was waiting for Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo started smoothing the sharp tooth as his finger met with the warm wind that was Jongin’s breath.

He didn’t even realize how close their faces were until he felt the same warmness on his face. Jongin’s breath was sweet just like scents Kyungsoo poured into the bathtub. They were so close, if Kyungsoo leaned down further, their noses would touch. And if he leaned even further, their lips.

Jongin’s hand touched Kyungsoo’s arm suddenly. Kyungsoo felt giddy inside as Jongni’s fingers tickled his elbow. A giddiness that turned Kyungsoo’s stomach upside down, it caused him to hold his breath in and the worst part was that he was frightened. He was afraid because if he leaned down, if their faces got closer, if he returned Jongin’s stares that didn’t even leave his face for one second, he knew that nothing would be the same again. If he got himself carried away, he knew for sure that he wouldn’t be able to survive the storm that was Kim Jongin.

Kyungsoo remembered that one time when he stole someone’s bag. He wanted to throw it away when he realized that it was only full of books, but Minseok, one of Madame Gayeon’s neighbor’s son, stopped him. Minseok read him those books the entire night. He recalled how his heart hurt, listening to the story of beautiful Medusa who could turn men into stone because she was unjustly punished by the Goddess of wisdom.

Right at that moment, Kyungsoo felt that if he looked Jongin in the eyes, he would turn to stone. He averted his gaze from Jongin's somewhat longing eyes. It took him only seconds to regret the action. His eyes landed on somewhere he avoided since Jongin settled himself inside the bathtub. _There._

Kyungsoo lifted his head so fast, he thought he cracked it. Kyungsoo was panicking, thinking a thousand ways to apologize but Jongin just put his lollipop back in his mouth and leaned back on the tub with a smug expression on his face.

Fucking prick. Could a person’s every part be that pretty?

* * *

Euna wasn’t going to just sit back and wait for Kyungsoo to make Jongin fall for her. She was going to try just as hard as Kyungsoo to seduce Jongin. They decided that it would be much easier this way.

Euna talked about how Jongin enjoyed reading books and long walks in nature when they first formed their plan. Kyungsoo already experienced Jongin's love for the forest where his mansion was. He had to run to keep up with Jongin's long legs as the latter run from one tree to another with excitement, yelling their names and specialties so that Kyungsoo would learn them too.

And according to Euna, one of Jongin’s many passions was to paint. That was how she was going to involve herself to Jongin’s life. She was going to give him painting lessons and during that period, she was going to stay with them, in the mansion.

Kyungsoo felt his chest tightening as they were waiting for Euna to arrive in the big room they were going to hold the lessons. He wasn’t going to be alone with Jongin anymore, that woman was going to be with them too. In between them, to be precise. And she was going to approach Jongin in ways that Jongin’s pure soul wouldn’t understand.

Kyungsoo took a deep breath and shook his head. Euna was their biggest chance to deceive Jongin, if the latter would fall in love with Euna, he would be so much easier to control. Love would blind people, make them do things that they wouldn’t dare to imagine. The moment Jongin would give in to his feelings, Kyungsoo’s future would get brighter.

Then why did Kyungsoo feel like suffocating after seeing Jongni’s excited expression?

Jongin looked radiant. His skin shined like it was washed with liquid gold under the sunlight coming through the window. Kyungsoo had a lot of time to watch his Master during his stay at the mansion and yet, he wasn’t able to find any flaws. _His hair. Yeah, he needed a haircut._

Someone knocked on the door and brought Kyungsoo back to reality, away from his daydreams as he watched Jongin without the latter even realizing it.

Euna walked inside with all her glory. She was wearing a long, white dress. Butterfly shaped pins were clasped on the tulle of her dress. Her long, chestnut hair was falling over her shoulders. She had minimum make-up, highlighting the fact that she didn’t need any retouch to seem pretty. She was pretty.

There was no reason for Jongin to not to be affected by Euna. And he seemed like he did, he was staring at the woman admiringly. Kyungsoo wanted to run away from that moment. Seeing Jongin like this was unbearable for him.

He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down. He couldn't understand what was happening to him or why he felt this way. Just a few days ago, he was dreaming of the life that was waiting for him once they out Jongin into a madhouse. Why was he bothered by the things going so well? He was supposed to be happy.

Kyungsoo forced a fake smile and bowed to the woman. Jongin sincerely invited her to the table to sit with him. He had all the servants cook various meals and snacks.

"Thank you but the ride was tiring. I'd like to rest." Euna rejected Jongin's offer kindly and her eyes landed on Kyungsoo. "Can you help me with my baggage?" _Sly bitch._ Kyungsoo wished that there was a way for him to erase that smirk off of her face. Smacking her head into a wall was always an option but of course, he wasn't going to do it. Kyungsoo might be a fraud but he was still a gentleman.

Jongin watched them with curious eyes but he didn't say a word. He just gestured Kyungsoo to help Euna. Kyungsoo leaned down to grab the suitcases, mirroring Euna's stilted expression.

They climbed the stairs in silence. Kyungsoo couldn’t speak even if he wanted to, he was staggering under the weight of Euna’s luggage. Why did she have so many anyway?

He dropped the suitcases with a thud when they arrived at Euna's room. She closed the door and looked at Kyungsoo, knitting her eyebrows. "Leave us alone as much as you can, get it?" She started whispering. Idiot, she was scared that someone would hear her in one of the emptiest spots in the mansion. "I need to be alone with him so I can seduce him."

Kyungsoo could barely keep himself from rebuffing. What did she mean by "leaving them alone"? What was she going to do?

“What you need is to be careful.” Kyungsoo crossed his arms over his chest and stared at the woman. “You might scare him away with your irresistible femininity.” Considering Euna’s deep sigh and the way she rolled her eyes, she sensed the mockery in Kyungsoo’s tone.

“What is it? You like him now?” Euna stared at Kyungsoo in a belittling way and walked towards her bed, laying on the soft comforter. "We both know you only stick around because you want his money, don't pretend like you care about that dumb kid.”

Kyungsoo didn't know what irritated him more: was it her insult towards Jongin or was it the fact that she was telling the truth. Kyungsoo felt his blood boil but he was also hurt. Jongin was like an innocent child. A child who didn't care about his expensive clothes getting dirty as he ran around in the muddy forest, collecting flowers and gathering them into a bouquet for Kyungsoo. He felt sick just thinking about this woman touching Jongin. He didn’t want to let it happen but yet again, who was he? A miserable thief. A puppet, being used to trick Jongin.

“I’m just saying that you must be cautious.” His tone didn't come out stable as before. He knew that Euna was right and that he needed to pull himself together. He started to forget his main reason to be there and it wouldn't only damage Euna, but the consequences would hurt him too. "As you said, he's dumb." He kept talking, the words leaving a sour taste on his mouth as they were being said. "Dumb enough to think that you indeed like him. If you grabbed his dick and played with it he still wouldn’t understand what you wanted from him.”

His word must have entertained her, Euna released a loud laugh and started unpacking. “Don’t forget what I told you!” Kyungsoo heard Euna yell as he walked out of her room.

Kyungsoo stood at the other side of the door for a few minutes, not knowing what to do. He couldn't go to Jongin, he wasn't sure if he could take being at his side. _What did I just say?_ What surprised him, even more, was the way he was so affected by his own words. Jongin wasn't dumb, he was just nice. Probably the nicest person Kyungsoo has ever met. Why did they have to meet under these circumstances?

Kyungsoo started walking towards Jongin's room after drying his face with his sleeve. He didn't even realize that he was crying. He was most surprised because he was crying about someone that he shouldn't care about. Kim Jongin wasn't important. Kyungsoo didn't feel anything towards him, he was a no one. Jongin wasn't more valuable than someone on the street.

Then why was Kyungsoo hurting so much? Why did he feel like a thousand daggers were sinking into his back slowly with just the thought of Euna and Jongin being together?

* * *

As his help, it was Kyungsoo's job to be around Jongin at all times. Dressing him up or helping him take a bath, those weren't necessary but Kyungsoo enjoyed doing them anyway. That way, he was able to witness Jongin's beauty in every way but he was still mesmerized how pretty the latter was. He still felt his heart clench inside his chest whenever he saw Jongin in a silk shirt, buttons undone, his hair shriveled. Jongin was unreal to Kyungsoo’s eyes. He was a precious statue and Kyungsoo was grateful that he was the caretaker.

But that day, Kyungsoo felt his heart hurt because of the same beauty. He felt short of breath as he meticulously carried Jongin’s clothes. Jongin was going to have dinner with his aunt and Euna. Euna didn't leave her room the entire day and Jongin seemed to resent at that. He hoped to spend some time with the woman.

He seemed unnecessarily excited about this dinner. He didn’t stop smiling for even a second as he put on his jacket. Kyungsoo felt sorry for him, he was preparing frenetically for a woman that only wanted his money. But Jongin’s haste made Kyungsoo realize something: Jongin didn’t care about him. He had no idea why Jongin was being nice to him since he arrived here but it seemed like he didn’t have any value for Jongin anymore, maybe he never did anyway. Ever since Euna arrived, she was the only thing Jongin talked about and it was starting to annoy Kyungsoo.

It broke Kyungsoo’s heart- even though he didn’t have any right to feel that way. But he was getting used to it. A bond that he forged with Jongin wasn’t going to help him. If Kyungsoo wanted to obtain what he desired, Euna was the person that he needed to humor.

Jongin took one last look at himself on the tall mirror and walked to the door. Kyungsoo could smell Jongin's sweet scent as he followed the latter at a slow pace. It was hard for Kyungsoo to keep up with Jongin with his short legs but this was better anyway. His tight-fitting black trousers and the shirt he tucked inside was displaying Jongin's proportions and Kyungsoo wasn't going to complain.

Euna and Jongin’s aunt was already engrossed in a conversation when they arrived at the dining hall. She already started to ingratiate herself with that scary old woman. Euna was even sneakier than Kyungsoo would ever think.

She stood up daintily when she noticed Jongin and bent her knees slightly. Jongin greeted her with sparkling eyes and then turned to Kyungsoo. “I don’t need you anymore.”

Kyungsoo stood in front of the door as the servants closed the door to his face, his mouth fell open. His eyes started to burn. _I don’t need you anymore._ He never thought that a simple sentence formed with five simple words could hurt him this much. But there he was, his hand over his heart, trying to breathe.

He left when he heard Jongin's loud laugh which used to warm Kyungsoo's insides. He couldn't take it, hearing someone other than himself make Jongin this happy made him feel some kind of pain that he had never experienced before. It felt like his veins were being filled with boiling liquid gold, making it harder to breathe with every passing second.

He ran out to the garden, ignoring other servants' curious stares. He inhaled deeply, trying to calm down. The cold wind was rough on his skin, the wetness of his face caused him to shiver.

Kyungsoo was an idiot. How was he different than the woman he kept grouching about? He moved to Jongin’s house to serve Euna’s plans, he didn’t have any right to feel this way. He was just as disgusting as the woman.

Still, he couldn’t help it, he couldn’t turn his back to the echos of Jongin on his mind. The way Jongin’s eyes shone when he smiled, his small dimple, his childish excitement about trying new things with Kyungsoo, his soft voice, his excited cheers when he saw beautiful flowers during the walks they took in the forest, everything about Jongin kindled a spark in the very depths of Kyungsoo’s soul and he couldn’t get rid of that flare no matter how hard he tried.

Kyungsoo didn't know how long he sat there but all his attention was on the mood as he slouched down on the stairs in front of the door. And then he felt a gentle poke on his shoulder. One of the girls who worked in the kitchen was staring at him expressionlessly. "Master's done with his dinner, he needs you."

Kyungsoo stood up, a sigh escaping his lips. He touched his face, his tears were already dry.

The walk to Jongin’s room felt like it took a lifetime but there he was, standing in front of Jongin’s door. If Jongin didn’t care about Kyungsoo, he could do the same. _Who am I kidding?_ Kyungsoo has never been the one to keep his feeling hidden. How pathetic, right? His entire life was based on dishonesty but when it came to feelings, he was unguarded as a child.

He had to try. It might break Kyungsoo’s heart but Jongin was impressed by Euna and it was a huge opportunity. He couldn’t risk it.

Jongin was sitting on his bed with red cheeks and sleepy eyes when Kyungsoo entered his room. “Miss Euna kept giving me wine.” He stood up, stumbling a little. He raised his arms and looked at Kyungsoo. Right, he was supposed to undress him.

Jongin's drowsy eyes never left Kyungsoo's face as the latter removed every piece of clothing carefully, making sure he didn't touch Jongin in any way. Kyungsoo could see the small pout forming on Jongin's lips. His glossy, soft-looking lips.

Kyungsoo's eyes met with Jongin's after Jongin was left only with his underwear. There was something else besides sleep on Jongni's eyes, they shone in the warmest tone of brown as they watched Kyungsoo. His face was filled with the same emotion Kyungsoo noticed the first time he met Jongin. Sorrow.

Kyungsoo’s heart grew heavier with the thoughts filling his mind. Jongin was hurting. And Kyungsoo had no idea how to stop it. He wanted to ease Jongin's pain. He wanted to throw his arms around Jongin's neck, planting kisses on his pouty lips. He wished that they could go to the forest when the spring came, caressing Jongin's hair as the latter laid down his head on Kyungsoo's lap. He wished that they could sleep together every night, their limbs intertwined together. And much more.

But none of those things were possible. Kyungsoo was a cheap thief and a fraud. And Kim Jongin was nothing more than his new target.

"I'll take care of the rest." Jongin's voice came out as a whisper but it was enough for Kyungsoo to snap back to reality. He realized how close they were once again as he tried to compose himself. They were facing each other and if Kyungsoo lifted himself on his toes, their lips would meet.

Instead, he bowed slightly and left the room. He could hear his heartbeats as he stood in front of Jongin's door in the empty hallway. He mentally cursed himself, he was so close to ruin everything and he _wanted_ to ruin everything, which was so much worse.

Kyungsoo was a cheap thief and a fraud.

And Kim Jongin meant everything to him.

He had already accepted it as he changed into his nightshirt, denying it didn't do him any good. Maybe, just maybe he could hide his feelings from other people, but not from himself.

_He fell in love with Jongin._

He fell in love with the man he was supposed to steal the fortune of. And while he was supposed to make the other man fall in love with someone else. He was miserable.

* * *

Kyungsoo has been alone his entire life. He never got to know his father and his mother killed herself when he was a kid, at least that's what Madame Gayeon told him. Classic sad life bull. Kyungsoo, even though being the ultimate victim of this sad life, had never felt any hardship because of his solitude. Needless to say that it hurt sometimes, he was just a kid. But as he grew up, he learned that very solitude was a gift.

There was no one that you’d have to take care of when you were all alone, no one to love, therefore, no one to care about.

He didn't love anyone anyway since he has never experienced the feeling before. He even questioned if he had a heart. Yeah, something was pounding inside his chest, he could precisely feel it especially when he had to run away from the police or from the people he stole from. But he often thought that his heart was only good for that, emotions weren't acknowledged to him. He never cared for anyone in Madame Gayeon's house, including the children. Not even compassion.

He didn't know how to love. He didn't have any idea about the kind of love that Minseok read to him from his books. No one held that much of value for him, no one could. He was just a thief, trying to make a better living for himself. A selfish prick that only thought of himself. Which was probably the reason why he hurt so much. He finally had someone he cared about- _someone he loved_ and he couldn't even confess because he had to use that man. Because that very man didn't care about him at all. Because that man loved someone else and knowing that made Kyungsoo feel as if he was being buried alive. He wanted to escape to the forest, yell his guts out. It was unbearable to watch Jongin gawk at Euna, to see how his eyes shone near her. _That's how he used to look at you_ , the voice on the back of his head would mock Kyungsoo.

He wished that he could tell Jongin about Euna's plans, that he could show him her true face. The reality would slap him violently like the cold water he washed his face in the mornings to wake up. Exposing Euna would expose him too, he was no different than the woman he despised. His feelings changed along the way but still, it was him who willingly agreed to hurt a man to steal his money. It would be mindless dreaming to think that Jongin would keep him around if he ever told him the truth, let alone returning Kyungsoo's love.

It’s been almost a week since Euna settled in the mansion. She didn’t leave her room much except for the times when she had to have dinner with Jongin and his aunt. She turned down any offer made by Jongin to spend time together which was enough for Kyungsoo to worry. She scolded him about leaving her alone with Jongin but she chose not to use the obvious opportunities? Disconcerting thoughts were invading Kyungsoo’s mind, alarming him constantly. What if Euna felt the same way he did? What if she actually loved Jongin? It wouldn’t be impossible, Jongin made it very easy. But yet again, that woman’s heart was cold as a mountain top, there was no way for her to feel anything.

His eyes moved towards Jongin’s direction. They were in the same room the day Euna arrived, waiting for her to wake up so they can start the lesson. Jongin was seated on a chair by the window, watching outside with a bored pout formed on his lips. His pink, plump lips. Kyungsoo wondered how they would feel against his. Probably like heaven.

He always enjoyed looking at Jongin, even when he wasn't aware of his feelings. The other man was sculpted perfectly, almost ethereal. Lately, it was hard for Kyungsoo to look at him without feeling his heart aching. Jongin was both a curse and a gift for him. It was difficult to sleep at night, in his small and cold closet, knowing that Jongin was just a couple steps away from him. He wasn't sure what his heart desired anymore but he was sure of one thing: he no longer wanted to be a part of Euna's game.

His thoughts were interrupted by Euna walking in, wearing a jacinth shirt he tucked inside a long, blue skirt. Her hair was tied up in a messy bun over her nape, locks of hair falling on the sides of her face. Tasteless woman. "Good morning, I hope you didn't wait for long?" She was well aware that she made Jongin wait far too long. Kyungsoo hid his hands behind himself as they curled into fists subconsciously.

“It’s fine, I’d wait as much as you like.”

Kyungsoo blinked away the tears and sighed deeply, trying to ignore the rest of the conversation. He took out the notebook that he took from one of the maids from his pocket as Jongin and Euna seated themselves behind their canvases. His feelings for Jongin made him want to be someone better, someone suitable for Jongin's status. Not that he would get to that level or reaching that point wold gain him anything. At the end of the day, it was clear who- _what_ he was. A shammer. He didn't have any chance with Jongin. Still, all those hours Jongin spent in the library caused Kyungsoo to feel conscious about his illiteracy. He bashfully asked Jongin for a beginner level book and the latter handed him many with loud enthusiasm, he even wrote down the alphabet for him. Kyunsoo would often study, especially when Euna was around. It would help to take his head away from Jongin. At least a little.

After a while, a sudden urge to look up at Jongin mentally nudged him and he raised his head towards his Master's direction. Euna was standing next to Jongin, had one hand over Jongin's shoulder as the other one grabbed Jongin's hand that was holding the brush. Jongin's eyes met with Kyungsoo's as if he felt that the other one was staring at him. There was something inscrutable in Jongin's eyes but Kyungsoo was tired just to try to understand him. He just sent a reassuring smile to Jongin and lowered his gaze on his hands. He needed to figure a way to get rid of his feelings or else... he wasn't sure what would happen but he knew that it wouldn't end well.

"That's enough for today." Euna walked towards the window, moving away from Jongin. She crossed her arms over her chest and watched outside. Jongin's eyes didn't leave the woman for even a second, he probably wanted to go to her. "Your mansion is nice." Kyungsoo rolled his eyes so hard, his eyes hurt for a few seconds. She didn't leave her room for a week, how did she even know that the mansion was nice?

Jongin got up from his chair with a smile on his lips but he stood in his place.”Would you like to go for a walk in the forest?”

Kyungsoo felt his stomach turning upside down. The walks in the forest were theirs, only Jongin and Kyungsoo’s. The other servants, Jongin’s aunt or Jongin’s status couldn’t come between them in the forest. They weren’t the servant and the Master there, they were simply two friends. He felt betrayed that Jongin would suggest something special to them to Euna, well, apparently it was only special for Kyungsoo.

“I’d love to but I still feel ill with all the wine I had last night," Euna replied with a small giggle escaping her mouth as Jongin put the paint tubes inside the box.

Yeah, right, the dinners that Kyungsoo was no longer needed.

Jongin kept gathering his stuff, his smile never leaving his lips. He wouldn't smile this much before, not even with Kyungsoo. Another arrow to the heart. Still, Kyungsoo lifted himself off of his chair, tidying up wasn't Jongin's job. When he stood up, he felt a hand pinching his arm violently. "Talk to him," Euna whispered to him before she left the room. Great.

"I still want to walk." Jongin's eyes were fixated on Kyungsoo. Even though he didn't want to admit, he didn't want to be alone with Jongin. Especially after witnessing that the things Kyungsoo thought that meant something didn't hold any importance to Jongin but he didn't have any other chance. Jongin was _the Master._

* * *

They were walking silently for a while. Usually, Kyungsoo would tell about how he lived in Madame Gayeon's house, making sure that he wouldn't give anything away or Jongin would scream the name of a plant he saw on the side of the road and tell everything he knew about it. But currently, there was solid silence between them and it disturbed Kyungsoo. He had to speak, he had to praise Euna even though it caused him to wish that he could just cut off his tongue.

"You've been lively since Miss Euna moved in." He mentally cursed himself, his voice was low and it wasn't _lively._ He needed Jongin to love this woman so he could build his own life from scratch. He needed to get himself together.

"You didn't sound like you believe what you said." Jongin noticed his unwillingness too. Maybe he wasn't as naive as Kyungsoo thought. Not knowing what to do, he lowered his eyes on his hands, clasping them together tightly as if they would give him strength.

"Are you close to your mother?" Jongin stopped walking and his abrupt halt caused Kyungsoo to crash into his wide back. Kyungsoo could see the same sad eyes when the other man turned to look at him. Why couldn't he be happy? He had a fortune that helped him live a comfortable life, even though she was strict, he had his aunt that kept his life on track. He was finally in love too. Why the sadness in his eyes never disappeared? Why did he look at Kyungsoo as if he was hurt and there was no way for him to heal?

"My mother died when I was little, sir. I was raised by my aunt." Kyungsoo murmured, hoping Jongin understood his words. His mother or his childhood, in general, weren't his favorite subjects to talk about.

“How did she die?”

“She was hung, um, she hanged herself-”

"Like my uncle?" Kyungsoo couldn't answer him. He watched the ground, standing illy before Jongin. His eyes shot up when he felt hands on his forearms, meeting with Jongin's. The other man pulled him closer. "Did she hug you a lot when she was alive?" No answer. Kyungsoo stared at Jongin, begging him with his eyes to stop asking. "My mother died giving birth to me." Jongin withdrew from Kyungsoo with a sigh. "In a sense, I killed her." He raised his head and stared at the sky. "I wish I was never born." His head fell in front of him once again, his voice getting smaller with every word.

A heart-wrenching ache spread over Kyungsoo's chest, making him feel like his bones were cracking one by one. How could Jongin say such a thing? How could he blame himself for something he had no control over? No, Kyungsoo couldn't let Jongin think so low of himself.

He stepped towards Jongin, cupping his cheeks. Their faces were so close, Jongin’s eyes were shining under the sunlight. “It wasn’t your fault. Your mother would tell you the same.” There was nothing left of the anger Kyungsoo felt a few hours ago. The only thing he could think about was how soft Jongin’s cheeks were. “She’d tell you how lucky she was to have you.”

Jongin watched Kyungsoo in complete silence. The sorrow in his eyes was gone, replaced by another feeling that Kyungsoo couldn't make sense of. He took a step back, removing his hands from Jongin's face when he realized their position. His chest ached as he exhaled, not even noticing that he was holding his breath.

“I’m going to collect mushrooms.”

“I’ll go with you-”

“No!” He shrieked, surprising both himself and Jongin. “I’ll be right back, sir.” If he stayed with Jongin for a little longer, he was scared to do something irremediable. Like cupping his cheeks again. Like closing the gap between them entirely. Like finally tasting Jongin’s lips. “You can sit under that tree and wait for me.” He didn’t wait for an answer and started walking but he didn’t need to see Jongin’s face to understand that he was disappointed. The latter tilted his head slightly and stepped towards the tree Kyungsoo pointed at.

Kyungsoo’s heart clenched when he spotted Euna ahead of the road. She had that damn smile on her face again. The smile that Jongin returned with the same sweetness.

Kyungsoo moved forward to the depths of the forest quickly. He didn’t even know where he was headed, the tears that filled his eyes were blocking his vision.

 

 

Kyungsoo decided to go back to Jongin when the rain started pouring down gustily. Thinking that Jongin was probably already drenched, Kyungsoo quickened his pace. He didn't want Jongin to get sick.

He stood on his place, trying to catch his breath. The panic filled his entire body as his eyes landed on the empty spot where he left Jongin with Euna. He looked around frantically, disaster stories occupying his mind. His senses cleared after a few seconds, he started running towards the mansion, thinking that they probably went back because of the rain.

Kyungsoo stood in the middle of the garden when he arrived home. The rain was falling hard on his shoulders, slapping him violently with the wind. His vision was blurry but he’d recognize Jongin in any condition. He could see Jongin and Euna sitting across each other through the wide, curtainless window of the room. Jongin’s back was turned towards Kyungsoo. Euna smiled and put her hand over Jongin’s thigh when she spotted Kyungsoo outside. Her hand moved up on his leg when Jongin didn’t protest.

 _She knew._ She knew that Kyungsoo was affected by Jongin, she was aware and she was using it against Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo's heart grew heavier with every second Jongin let Euna touch him. He couldn't take more of the scene in front of him and rushed inside the mansion. He needed to get rid of his wet clothes but he couldn't even find the strength in himself to move an arm. He just wanted to cry. He was hurt and he had no idea how to stop feeling this way.

* * *

Kyungsoo regretted accepting Euna’s offer when she walked in Madame Gayeon’s house with all her glory. He wished that he just let Jongdae do it. He wished that he had never met with Kim Jongin.

He was feeling nauseous as Jongin and Euna walked ahead of him, cackling together. Euna said earlier in the morning that she’d like to illustrate the nature so here they were, Kyungsoo being crushed under canvases and paint boxes he was carrying as the other two chirped like the young lovers they were. Euna didn’t agree to any of the sceneries both Jongin and Kyungsoo suggested and Kyungsoo was trying so hard not to throw her the easels he was carrying.

“You’re sure you got everything we need?” Euna’s voice snapped Kyungsoo away from his daydreams where he strangled her and watched as all the air left her lungs as he stood over her dead body. Too dark? Yeah well, welcome to Kyungsoo’s daily fantasies. He looked through the bag he threw over his shoulder. "Oil paint is better for scenery paintings." Kyungsoo's head shot up to the woman, she was explaining to Jongin but the latter didn't seem to care. He seemed tired rather than enthusiastic and Kyungsoo could relate. "Go get them." Kyungsoo took deep breaths to not to tell the woman to go fuck herself when her eyes landed on Kyungsoo and ordered.

He wished that he could say no, he didn’t want to leave them alone but he also didn’t want to care about Jongin anymore since the latter seemed just fine ignoring Kyungsoo’s existence. Kyungsoo paced back to the mansion but it was not easy with all the crap he was jammed under. Being the idiot he was, he didn’t think to leave the equipment with the other two and carried them all the way back to the house. With the huge paint box added to his load, it was even harder to walk let alone running but he rushed into the forest as fast as he could.

He knew from the beginning that Euna’s purpose was to seduce Jongin, that was the main purpose of their plans. So she could marry him and get a hold of his fortune. For that very reason, he should’ve been prepared for the scene in front of him but still, it was tormenting. He was hurt as if it was the very first time he felt pain; brutally shocking, unexpectedly agonizing.

He felt like his rib cage was cracked and all the bones were sticking into his heart as he watched Euna sit on Jongin's lap and kiss the lips that Kyungsoo even refrained from touching. Jongin's arms were wrapped around the woman, keeping her steady as her palms cupped his face. Jongin broke the kiss and his empty eyes landed on Kyungsoo as all the things Kyungsoo was holding fell on the ground with a loud thud.

Right there, Kyungsoo regretted accepting Euna's offer more than anything he has ever done wrong in his life. And he did a lot of wrong things. He wished that he had never met with Kim Jongin.

* * *

 _That was my purpose._ He shifted uncomfortably inside his bed. _I just wanted his money._ He tried ignoring the ferocious ache on his chest. _I don’t love him._ He was fooling himself.

Kyungsoo's hands flew over to his cheeks and he slapped himself harshly. He was so close getting what he wanted and he couldn't ruin it for himself just because he couldn't control his emotions. Jongin didn't even care about him, he seemed truly pleased by having Euna's attention.

His thoughts were scattered with the loud ringing voice over his head. There was a bell on the top of the closet he was sleeping in, it was tied to Jongin's bedhead with a long rope fixed on the ceiling. Jongin would let Kyungsoo know easily when he needed him through that bell and Kyungsoo would rush out from his bed to take care of his Master. But at that very moment, he couldn't move a limb. He didn't want to see Jongin, he felt betrayed. He let that woman touch him, kiss him. Kyungsoo had no right to feel this way while he was the one to push Jongin towards Euna but even so, he couldn't bear it. His hands moved over his ears, trying to block the loud noise but it didn't do any good, it was ringing nonstop.

He groaned annoyedly and stepped out of his bed. He walked into Jongin's room and closed the door behind him. Jongin was sitting inside his bed, holding a teddy bear, his lips curled into a pout. Sly bastard, he knew Kyungsoo was weak for it.

"You didn't come when I arrived home." His whining tone wasn't cute anymore, especially not when he reminded Kyungsoo earlier today while he was trying hard to forget the entire day ever happened.

“You were late, Master, I fell asleep.”

“Don’t you know how I easily get tired? Am I supposed to dress myself?” His words were harsh but he sounded so soft. He moved inside his bed, making room. “I think I’m going to have a nightmare, sleep with me tonight.” He turned his back on Kyungsoo, sounding like a little child who lost his favorite toy.

Kyungsoo couldn't make sense of his feelings. His blood was boiling with anger just a few seconds ago but now, he wanted to wrap his arms around Jongin and caress his soft hair as the latter fall into a peaceful sleep. He ignored the heaviness on his chest and laid next to him, his back facing Jongin's. He closed his eyes and hoped for the wave of sleep to hit him fast.

“She asked me to marry her.” Kyungsoo clutched on to the blanket tightly as he heard Jongin whisper from behind him. Great. The sooner the better.

“What was your answer?”

“I told her that I’m not sure.”

“Is it because you think your aunt won’t let you?”

“No. It’s because of Miss Euna.” Kyungsoo felt the tiniest fraction of hope forming in the very depths of his heart. Maybe Jongin didn’t love Euna as much as Kyungsoo thought. “I’m scared.”

"There's nothing to be scared of," Kyungsoo whispered back, his voice just as low as Jongin's. "She's a gentle woman." He rolled his body over when he felt Jongin shift in the bed; they were facing each other, Jongin leaned down slightly.

“What do you think she wants from me?” His warm breath stroked Kyungsoo’s face, it smelled like candy. His bedside drawer was full of lollipops, he probably had one before Kyungsoo walked in.

"W-what?" Kyungsoo muttered in panic. Did Jongin figure out Euna's plans? Why was he asking such a question? Then he suddenly felt relieved even though it was most certainly wrong for him to feel so. If Jongin knew the real objective behind Euna's actions, maybe Kyungsoo could confess his feelings.

“The first night of the marriage.” Kyungsoo stared at Jongin with wide eyes and parted lips. Was he asking what Kyungsoo thought he was? “How could I know? I’m not even an adult yet.” Jongin seemed offended by Kyungsoo’s reaction. He wrapped his arms around himself, his teddy bear was still over his chest. “My parents are dead. It’s not like I had anyone to teach me.” His voice was getting smaller with every word. “I think you start by kissing?” He held on to the stuffed toy tighter as his curious eyes shot up at Kyungsoo’s. He had to be joking. Just this morning he was kissing a woman. On his lap.

Heat crept on Kyungsoo's cheeks under Jongin's intense but sincere stare. What could happen? It was the only chance he'd ever have to feel Jongin anyway. He hovered above Jongin, reaching for his drawer. He took out a lollipop and brought it to his lips after opening its cover. He left the lollipop on the nightstand on his side and his eyes met with Jongin's. Well, there wasn't much left to do.

He leaned down and kissed Jongin.

Well, you couldn't call that kissing. They just touched lips and Kyungsoo pulled away almost instantly but even a small touch was enough for him to feel as if his body was electrocuted. His heart was throbbing inside his chest. It wasn't enough, no, Kyungsoo wanted more. He leaned down one more time to peck at Jongin's lips. Jongin's tongue traveled over his lips once Kyungsoo pulled away again.

“You must be experienced.”

“Not really.”

Kyungsoo dived in once again, he still couldn’t get enough and it didn’t seem like he was going to any time soon. Jongin cupped his cheeks, his tongue roamed over Kyungsoo’s lips. Jongin tasted sweet. He tasted like that cake they ate together in the middle of the night when Jongin was hungry that one time. His taste tingled Kyungsoo’s insides like the wine he drank for the first time.

Their lips moved against each other, tongues touched fervidly. Kyungsoo moaned into the kiss with the newfound sensation. Somehow it still didn't feel enough. Kyungsoo needed more. Even though he knew it was wrong, he desired more. But he couldn't. He had to bring himself together. He pulled away breathlessly. Jongin's lips were swollen, wet with Kyungsoo's saliva. He put his hand over his chest as he inhaled deeply.

“So that’s how it feels like.”

Jongin already knew what it felt like. He already kissed someone else.

“You’ll feel the same way with Miss Euna.”

“Really?” Kyungsoo could see the worry in Jongin’s brown orbs. “Wouldn’t she think that she’s making love to a corpse? My hands and feet are always cold.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes, here.” Jongin put his hand inside Kyungsoo’s nightshirt. He was telling the truth, his hand was cold but it wasn’t what sent shivers down Kyungsoo’s spine. It was Jongin’s fingers, moving around Kyungsoo’s nipple.

"I-it feels good," Kyungsoo whispered out of breath, not even sure that Jongin heard him.

“Really?” Kyungsoo nodded slowly. All Jongin did was circling his nipple but Kyungsoo was already a mess, he couldn’t even form a sentence. “You do it too.” Jongin removed his hand and Kyungsoo was unhappy losing the pleasing gesture but he knew he could take this further.

Kyungsoo moved on top of him and sat on his lap as Jongin laid on his back on the bed. He removed Jongin’s shirt and looked over at him. “You’re beautiful.” He wanted to tell Jongin this since the moment he met him. He wanted to make Jongin feel better, feel happier. If there was a Gd, it was this man laying in front of Kyungsoo, watching him with dimmed eyes. There was nothing Kyungsoo wouldn’t do for this man.

His hand reached Jongin’s nipple and his fingers clasped the hardened lobe. Jongin threw his head back, his eyes closed and a small moan escaped his lips. Kyungsoo leaned down and licked around Jongin’s other nipple, starting to suck hard on it when he felt the other’s hand clutch on his hair.

“Will she do this?” Kyungsoo let go of the abused lobe with Jongin’s question and his gaze met with Jongin’s lustful one. Where did the childish, naive man disappear?

"She'll touch you like this." He touched Jongin's bulged length over his clothing. He closed his eyes as Kyungsoo caressed his erection.

“Keep going.” Jongin breathed out. “Show me what Euna will do.”

Jongin straightened up inside the bed and his hands moved fast as they peeled each other off of their clothes until there was nothing left between them, until their skins touched.

Kyungsoo pushed Jongin back on the bed and started sucking on his neck. He trailed a road of kisses starting from Jongin's collarbones down to his abdomen. He didn't want to leave a part his lips didn't touch. He halted for a few seconds when he reached his erection. His hand clasped around the leaking length, it was warm and responsive against his touch. Kyungsoo leaned down and licked the white liquid, scrunching his nose at its sour taste, but not that much to bother him. Jongin seemed to have given up on controlling himself as Kyungsoo took him in, his tongue stroking the veined skin. Loud moans fell from Jongin's parted lips.

Kyungsoo was no saint. He stole from people, lied to people, hurt people. He made plans with Euna to steal from Jongin, who had no one to hold on to in his life. He tricked people and he treated them badly. He was the bad guy in this story. But right there, in Jongin’s arms, as Jongin swallowed his moans with his rigorous kisses, as their lips molded together so perfectly and naturally, Kyungsoo felt as if he was breathing the sweetest air only reserved for him in God’s heaven.

* * *

The way Kyungsoo’s hands grabbed his with the utmost kindness, the way his fingers danced around every part of his body, all the kisses he planted on his face, neck, hands and his legs, the love words he whispered softly into his ears. The way they touched each other with hunger that has been bottled up for weeks. The worried look on Jongin’s face when Kyungsoo grimaced while standing up to clean himself and the warmest of smiles that stretched on his lips when Kyungsoo kissed his temple and told him that he’s fine.

Kyungsoo thought things would change with everything happened that night. Jongin would send Euna away and put an end to it all. Kyungsoo would tell him everything and apologize to him a hundred times if Jongin asked him to. He would throw himself at Jongin's feet to beg him to not leave him and if he wanted to leave then he'd beg to feel the softness of his lips one last time.

None of those things happened. Jongin didn't talk at all when they woke up in each other's arms. Their limbs intertwined together, Jongin's head rested on Kyungsoo's chest. Jongin told him to prepare the tub but he wanted to bath alone unlike how he always used to. With Kyungsoo. Jongin dressed as Kyungsoo watched his body move, all the bruises and marks remained from the night before. He didn't let Kyungsoo touch him. He didn't even look at him. His eyes would lower down to his hands whenever their eyes met. They were seated in the room where the painting lessons took place and Kyungsoo could see the same look on his dark eyes. The same sorrow when he said that he wished he was never born.

 _He regretted it._ He regretted sleeping with Kyungsoo just as much as he regretted being born. Maybe even more.

He opened his eyes today with remorse while Kyungsoo opened his eyes full of hope and it wounded him. He was angry at himself for being hurt. Jongin used him. Kyungsoo gave him a “lesson” on how to sleep with that woman and Jongin taught him about how he should never trust anyone.

But still, when he spotted Jongin's disturbed expression, he wanted to throw his pencil at Euna as he sat down on a chair in the furthest point of the room.

"Stop," Jongin whispered, trying to dodge Euna's touches. He spent the entire morning in silence, he choked up on air anytime he tried to talk. They started the lesson earlier that day because Jongin wanted so. _He probably wanted to ignore me as much as possible,_ Kyungsoo thought to himself. He was sitting right across them, modeling for them upon Euna's request, which prevented him from moving. He felt useless just sitting there and doing nothing while Euna bothered Jongin but he also tried not to mind. He was still upset at Jongin's behaviors.

And Euna, as if she discovered a new way to be more of an asshole, kept touching Jongin under the pretext of help. _If you wanna help, hold his hand that holds the brush,_ Kyungsoo murmured to himself. They couldn't hear him anyway. She leaned down on Jongin with her entire body making Jongin even more uneasy with all the contact. It was stupid of Euna to act in such a way when Kyungsoo warned her about Jongin's timidness.

Kyungsoo didn't utter a word no matter how troubled he was with the scene before him. If she wanted to ruin everything for herself, well, Kyungsoo wouldn't mind. _No, he would, fuck, he had to!_ He needed Jongin to at least like Euna. They spent one night together and Kyungsoo already turned into a mess. He wasn't sure what to think about anything anymore but again, he wasn't new to the situation. He was aware of his feelings for Jongin, he just didn't realize how strong they were until they started turning his life upside down. If he could realize sooner, maybe he could somehow suppress them. But now, he was doubting himself, he didn't know if he could separate Jongin from both his mind and his heart.

He was doubting himself because he wasn't even sure what was his purpose anymore. When Jongin wasn't around, he would often push himself to think that he needed to get his shit together and focus on helping Euna. He'd try to think about the life he could build for himself once they take Jongin's money and try to reassure himself. Then he'd see Jongin. Jongin, who seemed like if he said just one word, he'd fall apart and the storm raging inside him would break his walls and he'd finally let everything out. All of Kyungsoo's feelings would center upon Jongin, causing him to believe that he can't even breathe without the latter. Nothing made sense anymore. How did Kyungsoo fall so hard for this guy, when did he even fall for this guy?

“Kyungsoo.” Euna’s firm and loud voice detached Kyungsoo from his thoughts. He turned his gaze towards the woman. “We’re done sketching you. Why don’t you go out, find something else to do?” Her hand was dangling over Jongin’s shoulder, touching his chest. Jongin’s eyes were fixed on the canvas in front of him.

Kyungsoo slowly raised from the chair and stepped towards the door but something stopped him from moving further. No. He wasn’t going to give her what she wanted. He wasn’t going to leave Jongin alone with her. He was already irritated at Euna’s harassments, he wasn’t going to let her hurt Jongin. His anger towards Jongin was nothing compared to the disgust he felt towards Euna.

He faced Euna, amused with the annoyance spreading on her face. “My job is to take care of my Master.” He walked back and sat on his chair. Jongin’s eyes were still on the canvas but Kyungsoo knew that he did the right thing because Jongin’s lips were curled up into small smirk.

* * *

“Are you crazy?”

Euna finished the lesson early and before they could leave the room, she told Kyungsoo to meet her in the forest. She almost tore Kyungsoo's skin off, she squeezed his arm so hard, it already bruised. Damned woman was probably one of those vile people who resorted to violence when she didn't get what she wanted and it caused Kyungsoo to worry more about Jongin.

“I told you to leave us alone! I need to have control over him, what is it that you don’t get?”

Kyungsoo wished that he could spit on her face and run to Jongin. He wished that he could hide in Jongin's arms and let go of all of his worries as the other man's warmth wrapped around him. Everything felt so heavy.

“Would you like me to tell your little master what kind of a person you are?” His eyes met with Euna’s threatening, acrimonious ones. Kyungsoo felt cold drops of sweat forming on his back in the middle of a cold autumn day. If Jongin was supposed to find out Kyungsoo’s true identity, it should be Kyungsoo who told him. Kyungsoo couldn’t bear it if he found out from someone else, especially Euna.

"Are you sure?" Kyungsoo released a peal of loud laughter, trying to conceal the panic that was filling every cell of his body. "Maybe you should tell him. Maybe I have something to tell him too." It was an idle threat. Euna was able to make people believe that she was from high society even though she was a crook, everyone thought she was a respectful lady. Who was Kyungsoo? A low servant from a town that no one's ever heard of. Who would believe him?

“I’m the only way for you to escape your pitiable life. Do you really want to waste that with empty threats?" Kyungsoo hated this woman with every fiber of his being but she was right. He had thought about it many times and every time he promised himself that he'd pull it together, he fell under Jongin's spell. He was repeating the same mistake over and over again and it wasn't going to take long for all these mistakes to turn his life into a living hell.

"I reminded you a thousand times before, he's gullible. Stop pressuring him." He spat out the words with needles stinging in his skin every time he opened his mouth. His heart grew heavier with every step he took as he walked away from the woman, back to the mansion.

* * *

Jongin seemed more vivacious than he was in the morning while Kyungsoo was preparing him for bed. He still looked really tired but he was more relaxed as Kyungsoo massaged his feet. Kyungsoo wanted to kiss him again. He took a bite of the forbidden fruit in God's garden and now he was cursed. Jongin was right there, Kyungsoo could just reach over and wrap his arms around him. It was just as hard as it was easy.

Kyungsoo couldn’t return to the mansion right after he talked with Euna, he needed time to make up his mind, to breathe. Because he was indeed suffocating. It was almost the end of the road. They had to move forward and ensure Jongin and Euna’s marriage.

He was sure that he decided after spending almost an hour thinking as he sat down under the shadow of a huge tree. He wasn’t going to be scared anymore, he was going to tell Jongin everything. Jongin would learn why he was here and how his feelings started to change from him, not someone else. Maybe this way he’d hate Kyungsoo less. His life wouldn’t be shattered and even if it was hard under the authority of his aunt, he’d live a life free from lies.

As he stepped closer to the mansion, his will weakened, he realized that he couldn’t do it. Love wasn’t going to keep him alive but money could. A necessity that deprived Kyungsoo of a happy childhood and caused him to suffer because of it. He wasn’t going to have Jongin’s love anyway, he shouldn’t even think about risking it all because of a hopeless dream.

"Have you ever thought about leaving this place?" He faked a cheerful voice as he kept massaging Jongin's feet. Euna was supposed to take Jongin away for their "honeymoon". She already found a mental institute in a faraway town. They were going to have Jongin locked up in there and then part ways after they split the money.

“I’d be happy here as long as you’re with me.” Kyungsoo raised his head until his eyes met with Jongin’s. He didn’t expect to hear such sentence and it just made everything harder, more complicated because there he was once again, falling in love all over under Jongin’s enchanted gaze. His eyes shone with sincerity, with such warmth that Kyungsoo has never seen in anyone else.

"You're lucky." He averted his gaze and cleaned his hands with a hand towel. "Miss Euna traveled around the entire world, she can take you anywhere." A lie, obviously. Penniless woman probably lived in a one-room house. Or not. Kyungsoo would like to think that she was more miserable than he was, at least it helped him sleep at night.

“I’m not sure if I love her.” Jongin’s eyes remained on Kyungsoo, his eyebrows knitted confusedly. Kyungsoo didn’t know what to do. Should he be happy because Jongin wasn’t sure about his feelings towards Euna or should he fear the fact that he might not get what he wanted? Come to that, what Kyungsoo felt didn’t matter, it never did. Jongin’s feelings didn’t matter either. Jongin was nobody to Kyungsoo. Then why wasn’t he able to make his heart listen to his mind?

“You love her.”

"How can you know?" The warmness in Jongin's eyes were suddenly replaced with rage. "Would you still want me to marry her if I told you that I love someone else and not her?" Jongin's eyes glistened with tears.

He didn’t love Euna but he didn’t love Kyungsoo either. He loved someone else. How did he even find the time for someone else? He was either with Kyungsoo or Euna or his aunt. How did he find someone else? Kyungsoo’s eyes started burning with the tears he couldn’t let fall.

“You’ll love her-” His sentence was interrupted with a firm blow on his cheek. It took Kyungsoo a few seconds to understand what happened. Jongin slapped him. The most affectionate person Kyungsoo has ever known, the one person that he knew for sure that wouldn’t even hurt a fly just slapped him.

He couldn't even say a word as Jongin grabbed him by the arm and threw him out of his room like garbage. A sharp pain spread over his chest as he heard the door close behind him with a loud thud. If he wasn't able to succeed before, he had now. Jongin hated him.

* * *

Jongin agreed to marry Euna under one condition: Kyungsoo was going to stay with him. Kyungsoo wasn't sure what hurt more. The fact that Jongin was going to marry Euna or that after all the pain he caused him, Jongin still wanted him close.

He wanted that woman to hurt. He wanted all the pain he and Jongin felt to combine and fall upon her. He was disgusted with her as much as he was disgusted with himself. He could’ve prevented Jongin’s life from going downhill but he didn’t. He was selfish and awful, he didn’t even have the right to love Jongin.

Euna left the mansion for "marriage preparations" which was a lie. She left to complete all the preparations of the last bits of her plan. The same day Jongin's aunt also left to check on their mines. Jongin and Kyungsoo were left alone in the huge residence.

Jongin was getting paler and thinner with every passing day as the ceremony approached. He didn't eat anything unless Kyungsoo forced him. It broke Kyungsoo's heart to witness this pure soul's collapse, it suffocated him to know that he was part of the reason for Jongin fall into ruins. He had to remind himself often that everything was about to end soon, that he'd enjoy his new life. That was the only reason that kept him going even through the day Jongin married Euna. He knew that it wasn't real, Euna didn't care for Jongin, she only wanted the money but still, it didn't help Kyungsoo to avoid feeling utterly wracked. Kyungsoo felt like invisible hands were slipping a rope around his neck as Jongin slipped the ring around Euna's finger. When they stepped inside the room that was reserved for them, someone kicked the chair under Kyungsoo's feet and he was struggling to breathe. Yeah, that was the feeling when you watch the love of your life marry someone else in front of you. Neat.

He started singing a lullaby she learned from Madame Gayeon as loud as he can as he laid down on the floor like a statue. Listening Jongin moan that night they spent together was like a melody to his ears. That night, the same voice he wished that never stopped, was torture. He wasn't the one in the next room, he wasn't the one pleasuring Jongin this time. Kyungsoo wasn't the one swallowing his screams as he kissed Jongin rigorously when the latter reached his breaking point. No, it was that woman.

That night, Kyungsoo cried himself to sleep for the first time since his mother died.

* * *

Jongin's condition got even worse during the first week of their marriage. He was sick all the time: bags under his eyes appeared, his lips were chapped. He spent almost the entire day in his room and ate only one meal a day and when he did; it was only rice, Kyungsoo pressuring him to eat didn't make any change any more.

Euna already convinced Jongin to change his gold to banknotes, telling him that it would be easier to "travel around the world". She didn't spend much time in the house, she was always outside and only came home at night. Jongin didn't ask her where she was going every day, Kyungsoo didn't think the latter even cared about her whereabouts.

On one of those days, the door opened with a thud and Euna walked in with two well-dressed men. "Gentlemen have some questions for you." She said to Jongin and gestured Kyungsoo to leave. Kyungsoo stood up from the floor and followed Euna outside, his eyes never leaving Jongin as the latter greeted the other men with a blank expression and they started talking.

“Who are those?” He asked Euna outside the house, away from all the other servants and Jongin.

“Employees of the mental institute.” She took out a pack of cigarettes from the pocket of his dress and lit one. Kyungsoo didn’t even know she smoked.

“Is it the time?” Kyungsoo thought that it was still early, it’s been only a week since they married. They were already going to put an end to this?

“His aunt is still busy with the mines. I want to get over with it while she’s still away.”

Kyungsoo nodded without saying a word. It was the end of the road. This time he really needed to say goodbye to Jongin. He wasn't sure if he'd ever see him again after everything was done, but at least he'd be richer and away from there.

The men Euna brought walked towards them. They avoided looking at Kyungsoo and sent Euna a weird look that Kyungsoo couldn’t understand. “They have some questions for you too.” Euna took another drag of her cigarette.

"Sure, go ahead," Kyungsoo muttered.

“Are you a relative of Mister Kim?” The skinny one asked with his deep and distant voice.

"No, I'm his servant, my name is Do Kyungsoo." They stared at Kyungsoo after exchanging looks at one and another. _What wrong with my name?_ Kyungsoo thought, not quite comprehending why these men were acting so weird since they stepped into the house.

“What do you think about Master Kim?” Kyungsoo glanced at Euna but the woman was too busy lighting another cigarette.

“Master Kim isn’t in his right mind, he needs help.” Kyungsoo despised himself as he breathed out the words Euna cautioned him to. Jongin was fine, Kyungsoo was the one out of his mind to think he could destroy a life so easily. He needed help.

“Thank you.”

They didn't say anything else as they walked away to their car down the road. So that was all? Just two questions and they were done? How could it be that simple, they were going to take a man into a madhouse just like that? Kyungsoo was starting to worry. Everything was going so smoothly except the fact that Jongin looked so sick. He was almost sure that something was wrong. Nothing would go the way he wanted in Kyungsoo's life. He tried not to think so much about it, still. They were taking Jongin to the institute the next day, he was finally about to reach his happy ending.

* * *

He released a deep breath as the vehicle stopped in front of an old, ruinous building. The loud sounds the engine made gave him a headache, the last headache in his life hopefully. Things were finally coming together. His heart ached, he didn’t want to leave Jongin here but he was tired. He needed to unload this burden on his back. In this case, his burden was the man he loved. But as he stated before, love wasn’t going to fix his life, money was.

Jongin followed him out of the car. He wore plain and simple clothes while he forced Kyungsoo to wear one of his fancy suits. Kyungsoo didn’t resist to Jongin’s insistence but the smooth fabric of the silk shirt didn’t feel right against his skin. These clothes didn’t belong to him, they never would.

Kyungsoo moved forward with a sudden urge and wrapped his arms around Jongin’s neck as the latter stood next to Euna, his head inclined. He planted a small kiss on the pale skin, drinking his sweet scent.

Two hands grabbed his arms when he pulled away. The same men that came to the house and asked them questions were tugging him towards the building. “What are you doing?” His voice trembled as the bewildered question left his mouth.

“Don’t be scared, sir. We don’t intend to harm you, we’ll take good care of you.”

Kyungsoo let out a strained laughter. His hand raised and pointed at Jongin who was watching the scene with empty eyes. "You're wrong, the Master's there." He looked at Euna when Jongin didn't say anything. "Tell them, Miss Euna!"

Euna took out a packet of cigarettes and lit one. “Poor boy, still thinks he’s a servant.” She looked at Kyungsoo then with the same crafty smile as the day she entered Kyungsoo’s life. Kyungsoo felt anger filling every small part of his body as she shook her head with a fake sadness in her eyes.

“You piece of shit!” Kyungsoo turned his gaze towards Jongin again. Jongin loved him, right? He’d protect him. “Master?” He watched Jongin with beseeching eyes, his voice was barely audible. Jongin stared at him for a few seconds with an unreadable expression and then lowered his eyes on his hands.

“Poor Master, he has lost his senses.” Jongin sniffled.

Remember when Kyungsoo used to think that Kim Jongin was a naive person? He used to think that this sweet man couldn’t hurt anyone. He has never been so wrong.

Kim Jongin has been a scumbag his entire life.

* * *

Jongin was raised by his hideous aunt since he was a little kid and that woman educated him in every matter. Her guests would often ask her why Jongin never left the mansion, tell her that children must spend time with other children. _He needs to be homeschooled for special reasons_ , his aunt would often answer back. Jongin would think that he was the reason, he was special. It didn't take him much to figure out that he wasn't.

Jongin learned how to write and read and some other basic things from her. And the things that made him hate himself and wish that he was strong enough to take his own life. How he wished to run away from her, escape all the thing she made him do but she'd threaten him to lock him up in a madhouse even when he just talked back.

As Jongin grew up, they started having long reading sessions in the library, situated outside the mansion. He started reading basic children's books, learning new things every day and Jongin started to respect his aunt even though he couldn't feel affectionate towards her because of her strictness. He thought that her strict attitude was good for him, that she was trying to toughen him up, preparing for life. Unnecessarily innocent conceptions of a little kid with no family to console himself.

The content of the books changed as Jongin became more fluent and comfortable with his reading. The books were no longer of those that were colorful and full of amusing stories. They started reading sexual books, the ones that taught about both male and female genitals in detail. He learned about sexual intercourse and they repeated the same things every day.

He was only a little boy, he didn’t have anyone else but his aunt. Consequently, he wanted to everything she asked, he wanted to please her because if she left, he was going to be all alone. But he couldn’t make sense of it, why did he have to read these stories? Whenever he asked about it or if he made a mistake, all he got was a slap that caused his cheek to be swollen and red all over. He’d cry himself to sleep in days like those.

What hurt him more than his aunt's slaps was his uncle's passiveness. His then alive uncle would just watch him with sad eyes as his aunt's servants dragged him towards the library. He would take Jongin on his lap when he returned from the library with a huge, red handprint on his cheek and stroked his hair as the child wept. He wouldn't tell his wife to leave Jongin alone, he wouldn't tell her to stop beating the kid. He was a week man but he loved Jongin and Jongin loved him back.

One night when Jongin couldn’t sleep, he lifted himself off of the bed and stepped out of his room to go to his uncle’s. Unlike his aunt, his uncle would find a way to comfort him. He was maybe quiet but he was warmhearted and Jongin couldn’t understand how his uncle ended up with such a vicious woman.

When he reached his uncle's room, he cracked the door open slowly, not wanting to wake the woman up but he soon realized that the room was empty. He heaved a sigh and closed the door. Jongin decided to go back to his room but something inside him urged him to head for the library. Maybe a book could help him sleep.

In the dry cold of the night, he stood in front of the library door, shivering from head to toe. A weak ray of light slipped from the half-open door, Jongin could hear his uncle's voice. He stepped inside timidly. His uncle was reading one of those books his aunt made him read and he wasn't alone. Right in the middle of the library, there was space where the table Jongin read his books on was supposed to be and it was surrounded by stairs full of women. Some of them sat there mouths slightly parted, hand in between their legs.

His uncle smiled at Jongin when he noticed him. Jongin returned it instantly but something was wrong with the other man. His smile didn’t make it to his eyes as usual. Jongin left the library, clutching tighter on his stuffed bear that his uncle bought him and ran towards the mansion as his own smile faded from his face. The difference in his uncle’s expression scared him.

It didn’t take Jongin long to regret running away from his uncle and not towards him. That night’s morning, they found his uncle hanging from the enormous cherry tree. Jongin wished he could cry. The only person who cared about him was right there, dead. For some reason unknown to him, his tears just wouldn’t shed. He didn’t know how long his uncle was hanging from that thick branch but the rope he wrapped around his neck started to bruise him.

Everyone said that they should cut off the tree. _It would bring bad luck,_ they said. No one knew that Jongin ran out of luck the moment he was born, no one was aware what Jongin had to go through every day inside the walls of that mansion.

His aunt fiercely objected when they told her about cutting the tree. She said that the tree took Jongin's uncle's soul. The servants gossiped between themselves, saying that the actual reason for her to not let anyone touch the tree was that it was expensive but Jongin trusted his aunt. Because ever since his uncle took his life there, the tree blossomed even prettier.

When his aunt considered him old enough, Jongin took his uncle's place. On certain days every week, he'd sit down on the wooden surface of the library and listen to middle-aged women moan as he read those books. They were sickening. Jongin hated that he let his aunt use him the way she desired. He hated that he just sat there and smiled as if he was enjoying what he was doing. He wanted to walk away, run from that house that his despairing soul could no longer fit into but he was familiar with all the things his aunt could do even from a very young age. He couldn't even step out of the house without telling her, let alone escaping her. It was too much to bear but he had no other chance. Jongin would never be able to save himself from this hellhole and no one was coming to his rescue. He had to endure it.

Years have passed but nothing that happened in that library changed, except for the faces that came and went. The group of women would listen to Jongin carefully, and as if the noises they were making weren’t enough, their hands would never leave their pussies. Jongin tried to keep his eyes on the book the entire session one time but apparently the women weren’t really happy with it, they wanted him to watch them, they got off on that. Jongin learned it through his aunt, as she smacked him in the face and told him to do his job properly.

Jongin noticed a new visage among the crowd during one of those nights. She was younger than the others and she had somewhat a pretty face. Not that Jongin cares, he realized that women weren't his field of interest a long time ago.

He closed the book cover slowly with a fake smile on his lips when he finished reading and walked towards the back of the library, away from the women. He was waiting for everyone to leave as he stood behind one of the tall bookcases. If he didn't wait for them to leave and try to get out before them, someone would eventually grab him by the shoulder and make offers that were disgusting just like them.

That young woman Jongin saw was the last one but instead of leaving, she just stood a few steps away from the door. He worried that she was waiting for him. She must have thought that he didn't accept other offers because they were made by older women. A smile spread on her blank face suddenly, Jongin spotted his aunt walking closer to the woman when he stuck his head out a little. They moved away from the door and walked inside the library, sitting on the stairs.

“You’re engaged but haven’t had intercourse yet, as I heard?” Jongin figured what was the subject when the young one started talking.

Another reason why Jongin hated his life: he was engaged to his aunt. She threatened him to throw him in the street and to destroy his family legacy and as Jongin did his entire life, he just submitted to her and accepted.

“If you don’t wish to make love to a corpse, I suggest you not to rush him with your harsh methods.”

Jongin choked up on air as his tears blurred his vision. He still couldn’t accept the fact that he was going to marry this woman but to hear such things _broke_ his soul. He collapsed in sobs as he stepped out of the library. He rushed to his room, ignoring the strange looks he received from the servants. He didn’t even realize falling asleep as his tears wetted his face and pillow.

The next day, Miss Euna, the woman from the other night, was there again but this time for dinner. He had no idea why this woman sat across him as his aunt took sips from her soup but he wished that he stayed at the library for longer. They were talking about the marriage while Jongin was leaving and now he couldn't even focus on eating because of his itching curiosity. Was he supposed to marry this woman instead of his aunt?

He was separated from his thoughts as someone knocked on the dining room’s door. Chaerin told his aunt that there was a call for her with her ragged, irritating voice. Jongin never liked this woman, she would always hit Jongin when he was little with the courage she got from his aunt. Jongin couldn’t wait for her old age to take her life.

Euna’s eyes landed on Jongin as soon as his aunt left the room. He was already disturbed with being alone with a woman he didn’t know but her calculating eyes troubled him further. “You look lovely.” She started talking, her lips curled into a small smirk.

“People usually say these things when they want to sleep with someone.” Jongin stared back at her as he sipped his wine. Two could play this game.

"That wasn't my intention." She breathed in deeply and sent a glance towards the door. "Your aunt will be back soon. I asked the person on the phone to call her." What was this woman even talking about? "They'll stall her while I kindly ask you to meet me outside at midnight. We need to discuss your future."

Well, that was worrying. Who was this woman and why was she saying such things? His future? What could she possibly know about his future? Jongin parted his lips to ask but his words stuck in his throat when his aunt walked in. The rest of the night was a curious drag for Jongin as Euna kept glancing at him, flashing small smirks when his aunt didn't look.

 

When Jongin looked outside his window, Euna was there, waiting for him under the cherry tree. Fool. Did she really think that he'd just talk to her? He wondered what she had to tell him but still, he couldn't risk his aunt finding out that he left the house to meet a woman in the middle of the night. Besides, a few seconds later, Euna disappeared from under the tree into the darkness. Jongin didn't think that she had much courage anyway. His aunt wasn't someone that would be charmed by an amicable conversation.

He started thinking about what she could have to tell him as he laid down under the soft comforter. He didn't see her before, they didn't know each other. She mentioned his future, which was ridiculous. Not only because she wouldn't know anything about it, but also, Jongin didn't see a future for himself. He was so close to finally snap after years of abuse.

His eyes opened slowly as he heard knocking on his door, scattering his thoughts away. It couldn't be the servants or his aunt, they wouldn't knock, they would just walk in. He got up from the bed and walked to the door on his fingertips but he didn't open the door.

"I know you're there." Euna. "I told you I need to talk to you." The panic filled his insides as the paints spread all over the paper his aunt painted on. Jongin felt sick. How did she even get inside the house? What if someone saw her?

"Aren't you worried about the rumors if someone sees you here? Please leave." He was finally able to find his voice and talk. He hoped that she decided to leave as he stood there, chewing on his lower lip. Whatever she had to say didn't hold any importance, nothing that was to leave her mouth could shrink the fear that filled Jongin even thinking about his aunt finding Euna here.

“I guess you have to let me in since I’m not leaving.”

Jongin puffed his cheeks in annoyance and opened the door so he could see the woman, standing in the way so that she wouldn’t walk in.

“Thank you. I-”

“Just say what you have to. I don’t have time for you.” He glanced at the dark corridor. He was still scared of the possibility of his aunt walking in with a gas lamp and a whip. Euna pushed Jongin inside and walked in, taking advantage of his momentary lack of attention.

“I’ll just cut to the point,” She started talking, keeping her voice low. “I came to that session to meet you.” Jongin’s lips stretched into a condescending smile. _Like my aunt would let you meet me_. “I know you hold a great fortune, I was planning to seduce you to steal your money. But I realized the moment I saw you in the library. It was impossible to-”

“Seduce me.” Jongin completed her sentence with an emotionless voice. No one could seduce him, not only Euna. All those years he spent reading books with his aunt and all the women didn’t only make him detest women, it also caused him to lose faith in any form of love. He couldn’t just leave everything he went through behind and love someone.

"So, I decided to add some changes to my plans and offer you something." She walked towards the window. "I propose marriage, a marriage that'll set you free." She turned her gaze to Jongin. "I'll rescue you from your aunt and we'll split your money."

Jongin let out a weak laughter. "Don't be ridiculous."

“Marrying an old woman isn’t ridiculous? What are you going to do, kill yourself?”

He couldn’t answer her. He just stood there, unresponsive like the day his aunt told him that they were engaged from that moment. He didn’t even get a say, all he could do was to think that he’d be willing to do anything to avoid marrying that sick woman. Suicide has always been an option, even when he was just a kid. Maybe even an urgency.

“So what?” Not receiving an answer from Jongin, Euna kept talking. “You’re going to kill yourself and leave all your money to that woman? So she could find other children to torture as she did with you?”

“How could you know? You were never forced to live with her.” His voice trembled. This random woman didn’t have any right to judge him for his choices while she didn’t have the slightest idea of the thing he had to tolerate daily. “It wouldn’t matter. She’d find us and lock us up in the cistern.”

"Cistern?" Euna looked at Jongin with confused eyes as the painful memories crept back into his mind.

Before they moved to the sexual ones, Jongin read various other books. In one of them, it said that the people who were hanged would piss themselves and their tongue would dangle from their mouth. His uncle was clean when they found him and his tongue was still inside his mouth. He asked his aunt if the book was lying with a childish purity, quickly regretted it when his aunt grabbed him by the arm rigidly. She dragged him in the middle of the library. She lifted the carpet that covered the wooden floor and revealed a small door. It led to a staircase and they descended it together, his aunt’s hand never leaving his arm. It probably already started to bruise. 

_"I brought your pathetic uncle here when he tried to escape." She growled, pushing Jongin to the middle. “I’ll tell you every little thing I did to him here, so you won’t even be able to think about running away, let alone succeeding at it.”_

His aunt's wheezy voice was still very clear to his ears. "All I could do that day was to sit down and listen. I can't go back there again." He shivered violently, wrapping his arms around himself tightly. He hated showing weakness.

Euna's pitying eyes left him for a second and she took out a small bottle from her purse. "Condensed opium," She stuck out the bottle, "Three drops of it will help you sleep an entire day. Do you want to die? Drink it all." Jongin hesitated but he still took the bottle with his shaking hand. "If you carry this close at all times, she can never take you back there, at least not when you're alive." Jongin stared at the colorless liquid inside the bottle. "Consider it my wedding gift."

A plan already formed on the back of his head, ignoring the woman's words. He could use her but he needed to figure a way to get this marriage idea out of her mind. He left it aside for that moment, he could deal with it later. He turned his gaze towards Euna. "Find me servant boy, someone that no one cares about. Make sure he's dense. We could lock him up in the institute under my name."

Euna seemed impressed, raising her eyebrows contently. She most likely didn't expect him to come up with a plan that quick."What are you going to do with your current servant?"

“That’s left to you.” Euna smiled cunningly, understanding what Jongin was asking her. She stepped towards the door and left the room without a word.

Jongin was no fool, of course, he didn't trust her. She wanted to cooperate with Jongin for her self interest and people who were willing to do anything for their benefit would be unworthy of trust. Euna was intrepidly spirited, she came to Jongin's room even though she knew what kind of a person his aunt was. It was either rootless confidence or she _actually_ felt confident which was an indicator of idiocy. Yes, Jongin didn't trust this woman but it was nice to have hope after so long.

The same night, Euna seduced Jongin’s servant and he fired Chiwon before he could start planning how to treat the boy Euna would bring. He didn’t feel any sadness as he let go of Chiwon, the man was no different than his aunt’s servants and Jongin wasn’t going to feel bad about firing someone who had harassed him multiple times.

* * *

Jongin hurried to the window when he heard the engine sounds from the garden. His new servant finally arrived. He couldn't see the man through the rain and the dark but he was agitated by a childish excitement. They were going to do this. He had the chance to flee the life his aunt imposed on him and he was scared to lose it.

Taking a deep breath, he stepped towards the door. Chaerin was supposed to lead the other man there. Jongin had the kinder helpers put a closet in front of his door, the new servant was going to sleep there. In that way, Jongin was going to be able to keep an eye on him all the time.

He leaned his ear on the wall as he heard footsteps getting closer. Chaerin was murmuring something but rather than the old woman, Jongin was focused on the other male. His deep voice was melodic and relaxing as he spoke with Chaerin, urging Jongin’s curiosity.

They carved a small hole on his door with his uncle when he was a kid so he could watch outside when his aunt would lock him up as if there was something to watch. All he could see was the rush of the old maids but that small hole gave him somewhat freedom. His aunt would lock him inside but he went against her and he could see outside. How foolish, right? How miserable.

He leaned against the door, his eye on the hole. The servant had a small figure as much as he could see in the dark. He kept glancing at the closet, probably annoyed that he was going to stay at such a small place but he didn't seem like he'd any problems fitting there. He turned his body towards Jongin's room and after a few seconds, he put his fardel on the ground, disappearing on the other side. The door was slowly sliding open. _He's curious as much as I am._ Jongin tapped on the door with the tip of his finger and the door slid closed swiftly. The boy entered the closet, slipped inside his bed. Euna found someone simple-minded as Jongin wanted. He got into his bed with a smirk formed on his lips. He was finally going to be free of his aunt, it wouldn't harm him to have some fun.

He laid down and after he waited for at least half an hour, he started screaming.

“Mom!” He heard a thud from behind the door.

“Mom!” He closed his eyes tightly and started grappling inside the bed.

“Master Kim, what’s wrong?” His voice was even deeper up close.

Euna requested Jongin to act like a child around his new servant, he had to make the latter believe that he’s the naive one so their plan would work out. It was a stupid act if it was up to Jongin but he didn’t mind, he’d do anything to leave this life behind at this point. He kept screaming and scaring the living shit out of the other one but it would never occur to Jongin that he would give him soju. Jongin slept well that night.

The next morning, they finally met properly as the weak sunlight lighted Jongin's room. It was both hard and easy to describe his new servant- Kyungsoo. He was an ordinary man rather than a boy, maybe a couple of years older than Jongin but he still seemed younger somehow. Yeah, he was ordinary but he was prettier than any woman Jongin has ever met his entire life and he had met quite a number of women. He wasn't supposed to be affected but it was hard even to try. Jongin almost felt bad about using him as the doe-eyed male watched him amazedly. _Almost._

He could feel Kyngsoo's eyes on him while he was reading Euna's letter, feeling a little overwhelmed by the intense attention. Euna wrote that Kyungsoo didn't know how to write and read so Jongin didn't have to worry about the latter knowing the letter's context.

His somber words must have scared Kyungsoo off. He mentally cursed himself, he shouldn't have brought up his mother. But there was something about this man that stood before him that made Jongin want to confide in him and tell him everything he went through. He wasn't going to, of course, he wouldn't show such weakness. _You did with Euna,_ a voice raised from the back of his head. _Shut up,_ he answered back. Kyungsoo was nothing more than a pawn and he wasn't going to let down his guard from the very first day.

He had to force himself not to laugh when Kyungsoo started talking about Euna and how she thought about Jongin in her bed. _What a dizzard_ , he thought but then he felt bad about thinking that way for a reason that he couldn’t understand. He was being digressively mindful of someone whom he did not know.

He wanted to talk more with Kyungsoo but he had to leave for the daily reading session. Soon, I won’t have to. I just need to bear it a little longer.  

When Kyungsoo walked right into the library even though Jongin cautioned him not to, Jongin got anxious about his aunt's reaction. His aunt knew that he found a new servant but she didn't know the reason and Jongin didn't think she cared but that didn't keep him from worrying. It was the very first step of their plans but he was already scared shitless, he didn't want to miss this chance.

* * *

Jongin was aware of the effect he had on Kyungsoo. He knew that the other male stared at him when he thought that Jongin wouldn’t notice. He was blushing even with the smallest contact. He stuttered a lot when he didn’t know how to answer. At those times, Jongin wished that he could just laugh it off and tell Kyungsoo to relax but he couldn’t, he wasn’t supposed to. It would serve Jongin’s purpose to have Kyungsoo frustrated. It would be easier to control him if he was attached to Jongin.

Jongin purposefully acted in a gullible way that day, he was amused by Kyungsoo’s attempts to not look at him as he sat down inside the bathtub, stark naked. Jongin wasn’t sure if the reason was the steam or the temperature of the room or the fact that he was naked, but Kyungsoo’s chubby cheeks were the darkest shade of red and he looked adorable.

Jongin's tooth indeed bothered him but he didn't even imagine that Kyungsoo would rush out to find a rasp and fix it. He couldn't take his eyes off of Kyungsoo while he was smoothening the tooth. His eyes were prettier up close, his brown orbs shined charmingly and shadows of his long eyelashes graced his cheeks. Jongin hadn't observed Kyungsoo like this before because he tried not to mind the servant, he wasn't important anyway. He was going to disappear from Jongin’s life in a few weeks, but sitting there, his eyes on Kyungsoo’s pretty face; Jongin thought that maybe, just maybe, Kyungsoo could’ve been more than just a puppet for Jongin.

Kyungsoo averted his gaze swiftly when his eyes accidentally landed on Jongin’s crotch, his face as red as the rose petals floating on the water. “They smell nice, no?” Kyungsoo mumbled skittishly as he kept pouring the liquid scents. He pressed his lips into a strained smile when Jongin didn’t answer. Jongin wished that Kyungsoo would smile wider, he started thinking about those lips that shaped a perfect heart more than he should have and it was bothering him. He wasn’t supposed to feel this way.

"Would you like to join me?" He didn't even realize that he spoke the words out loud until Kyungsoo looked at him with wide eyes and then lowered his gaze to his hands. Ha ha. Jongin just asked his servant if he'd like to bathe with him. In the same bathtub. Together. _Naked._ He knew that he needed to learn to control himself but his heart missed a beat when Kyungsoo looked away timidly. Jongin was sure that the heat spreading on his face had no relevance to the steam as he sank inside the tub.

* * *

After a while, Euna moved into the mansion to give Jongin painting lessons. Jongin didn't care about the woman being around but he was curious about how she convinced his aunt but he didn't have enough courage to ask. He could feel Kyungsoo's gaze on him while sitting in front of the window, waiting for Euna, sighing deeply at the empty road that led to the mansion as if he was longing for her. How humorous.

Jongin couldn't make sense of Kyungsoo's infelicity towards Euna's stay but he liked his reaction. Kyungsoo being this responsive to Euna's actions and anything related to her gave somewhat pleasure to Jongin even though he had no idea he felt this way. It was nice even just to think that maybe Kyungsoo was genuinely attracted to him. He noticed his perturbed looks when Euna entered the room, he glanced at Jongin as if he didn’t want to help the woman when she asked him to carry her luggage. Jongin didn’t mind him and climbed the stairs to his room when Euna and Kyungsoo left. He wanted to rest a little, he had to have dinner with Euna and his aunt that evening.

During dinner, he didn't talk or cared to listen to what the two women were talking about. He kept drinking wine and he had to stop himself before it was too much. He has never been drunk before and he couldn't risk spilling Kyungsoo everything. You know, the servant who he was supposed to use to escape his aunt?

Apparently, Euna convinced his aunt with actual painting lessons offer. He couldn't understand why his aunt would let a woman get near him under such simple excuse. Then it hit him. She must have thought that once Jongin learned how to paint, he could illustrate the sickening books and she wouldn't have to tire herself. She was a repulsive woman.

He left for his room after asking his aunt's permission, feeling dizzy and in need of solid sleep. He found Kyungsoo sitting on his bed when he stumbled into his room. He stood up immediately and helped Jongin to take off his clothes. Jongin couldn't tear his eyes from Kyungsoo as the latter busied himself with the clothes. He was quieter than usual and it bothered Jongin. Kyungsoo was supposed to be laughing at his drunkenness, making one of his stupid jokes that made Jongin burst into laughter but instead, his hands moved quickly like he wanted to just get over with it and leave.

Kyungsoo removed everything until Jongin was left in his underwear and his large eyes met with Jongin’s. They stared at each other for a few seconds in silence and right that moment, with a strong tug at his heart, Jongin realized that Kyungsoo was the most beautiful person he has ever met.

He asked Kyungsoo to leave, telling him that he’d take care of the rest. If he didn’t, he wasn’t going to be able to hold back and do something that he shouldn’t. Something stupid.

* * *

Jongin watched outside restlessly, sitting down on the same chair by the window as he waited for Euna to show up so they could start the lesson. Kyungsoo’s eyes were on him like the other day. He tried to understand why Kyungsoo was so stagnant lately but honestly, he couldn’t make sense of his servant’s behaviors. Why was he so demoralized whenever Euna was involved? Euna already told him to do his best to make Jongin fall in love with her, he was supposed to at least act like he enjoyed her company. And the fact that Jongin was acting like he fancied Euna should’ve made him happy, it would mean that Kyungsoo was closer to his purpose. Then why was he so gloomy?

Jongin mirrored Euna’s wide grin when she entered the room. He mastered being a fraud his entire life, a few more fake smiles didn’t hold much meaning. How pathetic.

They seated themselves in front of the canvases and started to draw a peach, at least Euna did. Jongin wasn't really aware of what he was doing after he drew a huge circle. It looked anything else rather than a peach. Unlike Jongin, Euna seemed to know what she was doing. She would be a better choice to paint those books, Jongin thought to himself. Maybe he should've asked Euna to take his place. Women could enjoy her company.

Kyungsoo would touch Jongin as if he was a crystal ball, like he was scared to break Jongin. But when Euna placed his hands over Jongin’s shoulders as she stood behind him, it felt nothing but a disturbing weight. Jongin didn’t want her to touch him but he couldn’t tell her to stop when Kyungsoo was there with them. He looked at Kyungsoo and the latter smiled at him, his knitted eyebrows relaxing under Jongin’s gaze. But his smile didn’t reach his eyes as usual and there was something in those globes that Jongin was quite familiar with: pain.

He inhaled deeply when Euna didn't accept his offer for a walk and she decided to return to her room. He grabbed Kyungsoo's arm gently but the latter didn't seem so willing either.

They were disturbingly silent while walking but Kyungsoo broke the silence, praising Euna all of a sudden. _She probably forced him to say all that,_ Jongin thought. He dodged talking about her ably but he was shaken by the things he heard about Kyungsoo’s mother. The man in front of him, who was supposed to be a vulgar crook, had experienced pain and that was his reason to accept Euna’s offer. Jongin’s heart clenched inside his chest as he realized that Kyungsoo wasn’t so much of the villain Euna painted him to be. He didn’t want to hurt Kyungsoo, he didn’t want to cause him any more suffering.

He thought that Kyungsoo would forget about his mother and they would turn back to the mansion after Kyungsoo patted him on the back when he talked about his own mother. He didn't even imagine Kyungsoo would cup his cheeks, pull him closer and tell him that his mother's death wasn't his fault. His heart tightened inside his chest, he felt short of breath suddenly and this time the reason why he felt like this wasn't bad, no, Kyungsoo made him feel good for the very first time in his life. His heart was throbbing when Kyungsoo pulled away with a red face.

He sat down under the tree as he watched Kyungsoo step away to collect mushrooms, trying to calm himself down. The excitement and happiness left its place to anger when he spotted Euna approaching him.

“You seem upset. Weren’t you the one who asked me to walk?"

“You said you didn’t want to. Why are you here?”

"Where's your little servant?" Every muscle in Jongin's body tensed when Euna started talking about Kyungsoo in a belittling way. Who did she think she was? Jongin was sure that he wouldn't keep himself guarded so he didn't answer her. He suggested going back home when it abruptly started to rain.

They dried themselves in the painting room when they arrived at the mansion. They sat across from each other, Jongin’s back faced the window as huge as the wall itself. His mind went blank when Euna started touching him out of nowhere. He was angered, no matter how evil she was, she was aware that Jongin wasn’t comfortable with skinship and Jongin thought- _hoped_ that she would at least respect it. “Are you serious?” He shifted in his chair, trying to evade her touch.

"No way!" Euna laughed loudly after she blinked repeatedly. "You think I want you? Don't be an idiot, Kim. Your servant's watching us from outside." Jongin wanted to slap her hand away, his heart dropping at Kyungsoo's mention. Kyungsoo shouldn't see him like this. He shouldn't think that Jongin wanted her to touch him, no, he couldn't bear Kyungsoo judging him this way. "Your aunt made you read too many of those books." Euna kept talking as Jongin's hands clasped into fists, the mention of his aunt making him even more stressed. "I only care about your money, don't think for a second that I desire you." As if Jongin cared. Her words only amused him after all those years he spent hating women. Jongin wouldn't even think about her that way, she was getting too brave for some mediocre villager.

* * *

Jongin despised his life. He never had to use his body to pleasure those women who came to the reading sessions, his voice alone was enough. He hated women, yes, and maybe it was wrong, not every woman was the same and he was sure that there wasn't any other like his aunt. She had distinctive wickedness of hers. But as a person who had to sit in the middle of a room, surrounded by women older than him and listen to them get off on his voice, he thought that he had the right.

Even thinking about touching Euna sickened him but there he was, letting Euna climb on his lap and press her lips on his as her cold hands cupped his cheeks. _He needs to see us,_ Euna said to Jongin, _he’ll think that you like me._

Jongin despised himself. He didn’t even try to pull away. He placed his hands on Euna’s back as her lips moved against his and supported her so she wouldn’t fall off.

He felt as if someone ripped his heart off with their bare hands and stepped on it when he realized Kyungsoo’s pained expression. He didn’t see Kyungsoo for the rest of the day.

He was annoyed at the fact that Kyungsoo ignored him the entire day. He kept ringing the bell they hanged over Kyungsoo's closet and asked him to sleep with him. He didn't feel like he was going to have a nightmare, you couldn't feel these sort of things. He just wanted Kyungsoo close. It was hard for Jongin to put it into words but he missed Kyungsoo. He didn't see him only for a few hours but he couldn't stop himself from feeling that way. How was he supposed to endure Kyungsoo's absence when they finally lock him up if he couldn't even tolerate a couple of hours without him?

The only reason he told Kyungsoo that Euna asked him to marry was that he was curious about his reaction. He didn't expect to feel Kyungsoo's lips against his own. It was nothing like Euna's. He knew that he shouldn't compare them, Euna's kiss had no impact on him while Kyungsoo's burnt volcanos inside him. Kyungsoo's kiss was warm, eager but timid. Kind. Kyungsoo was sweeter than anything Jongin has ever tasted. Kyungsoo made Jongin feel as if everything was alright. He was barely able to choke back his moans as Kyungsoo's plump lips left nowhere that wasn't touched.

Jongin never imagined how it would be like to have sex with someone before, it wasn't something that he wanted to think about. He grew up dreading sexuality because that was what his aunt used against him while abusing him. He was just as scared about sleeping with someone as he was about loving someone because of her. But everything felt right with Kyungsoo. He didn't think that they were doing something wrong or dirty. How could he while Kyungsoo's delicate hands traveled around his body as if he was something so precious while in fact, Jongin was nothing but a sinner.

They were naked within seconds and Jongin could feel Kyungsoo shiver under his touch as their skins caressed each other.

Kyungsoo's hand lowered down on Jongin's cock and after a few strokes, he started sucking the erected length. Jongin lost himself in Kyungsoo's warmth as the latter placed his hands on Jongin's hips, keeping him steady. Jongin was aware that he wouldn't be able to keep himself together for longer while Kyungsoo licked on his cock. He spilled into Kyungsoo's mouth, cursing himself for not being careful when Kyungsoo raised his head; coughing a little, lips glistening with Jongin's cum. Jongin wanted to apologize for not controlling himself but he was cut off as Kyungsoo licked the remains on his lips and leaned down for a kiss. _Kyungsoo was more intoxicating than any wine Jongin had ever drunk._

Kyungsoo pulled away, seating himself on Jongin's lap. "Do you want me to teach you more?" He asked in a husky tone.

“Yes.” Jongin breathed out. “Teach me everything.”

Kyungsoo’s hand went to Jongin’s hardening cock again as their lips molded together. Every touch pleasured Jongin, his arms wrapped tightly around Kyungsoo’s tiny waist as their tongues tangled.

“Kyungsoo.” His voice was barely audible and he couldn’t breathe but somehow he pulled away from Kyungsoo and threw him on his back on the bed. The smaller man’s complaints grew into moans as Jongin licked on his leaking member. Kyungsoo sounded nothing like those disgusting women, his voice was like a song the Sirens sang, a song that he’d be willing to listen for the rest of his life.

His dimmed eyes landed on Jongin when he let go of his cock. Jongin kissed away his cute pout and his hands moved down on his thighs, spreading his legs. Kyungsoo opened his legs as much as he could, understanding Jongin’s intention. He looked beautiful. Jongin couldn’t realize how much he wanted him until Kyungsoo laid in before him, naked and ready for Jongin to devour him.

He steadied Kyungsoo's hips before he leaned in and licked into his rim. Kyungsoo squirmed with every move of Jongin's tongue as the latter delved into the heat. After a few more licks, he straightened up to kiss Kyungsoo. "Jongin." Kyungsoo's voice trembled into the kiss. "Please."

Jongin pulled away and brought two fingers up to Kyungsoo’s mouth. “Suck.” Kyungsoo looked at him, not understanding what he needed to do but in a few seconds, his mouth wrapped around Jongin’s fingers. Jongin could feel his member hardening again as Kyungsoo’s tongue stroked his fingers and the latter’s big eyes never left him.

Jongin took his fingers out from Kyungsoo’s mouth, already rampant from the sensation and slowly inserted one in his hole.

“You okay?” Kyungsoo’s grimaced expression caused him to hesitate. He wanted them to take it until the very end, to reach their climax together, but he would stop in a heartbeat if it meant that he’d have to hurt Kyungsoo.

"Yes." Kyungsoo moaned louder as Jongin slowly moved his finger. He added the other one taking courage from the pleasing sounds that Kyungsoo made. He was still too tight and if they were going to take this further, he needed Kyungsoo to loosen up. Jongin was still scared to hurt him but Kyungsoo seemed fine, causing Jongin to think if the latter had already done this with someone else. "Add another one," Kyungsoo whispered while Jongin was trying to dismiss the sudden jealousy.

“But-”

“I can take it.”

Jongin pressed kisses all over Kyungsoo’s face as he did what the other man requested. He stopped moving his finger when he realized the look on Kyungsoo’s face, pulling away. “Do you want me to stop?”

“No. You.”

“What?”

“I want you.” He looked at Jongin through his squinted eyes, drops of sweat trailed down to his cheeks. His tone was demanding. “Not your fingers. You.”

Fuck.

Jongin was aware that he couldn't hold back as he slotted their lips together. He removed his fingers and placed his throbbing cock on Kyungsoo's entrance, raising the other's hips a little for a better angle. He kept kissing him as he slipped inside, until he was fully inside, swallowing Kyungsoo's moans. He started moving slowly but Kyungsoo was moaning out his name in such indulgence, causing Jongin to pick up the pace, thrusting harder every time he pulled away. The only noises in the room were hips crashing together and their whispers of each other's names. Jongin would scream Kyungsoo's name if he could, he wanted everyone in the mansion to know how good this man made him feel but he was scared. He would be fine, his aunt would beat him up with her whip for a few nights and then stop. Nothing that he wasn't already used to. But she would never stop hurting Kyungsoo and Jongin couldn't risk it.

He took Kyungsoo’s pulsating member in hand and stroked as his thrusts quickened. It didn’t take Jongin long to come inside Kyungsoo and the latter followed Jongin into his hand. Kyungsoo painted Jongin’s belly in white stain and it was prettier than any painting Euna could draw.

This was a mistake, maybe the biggest mistake Jongin has done his entire life but he didn’t regret it and he didn’t think he could. Kyungsoo was right there, asleep in his arms and Jongin had no intention of letting go.

* * *

Jongin hated himself for the way he treated Kyungsoo in the morning but he didn’t know what else he could do. Euna and their plans crept back into his mind and he wasn’t sure how to act around Kyungsoo. How peaceful he woke up from his sleep, Kyungsoo was still sleeping inside his embrace. Jongin inhaled his sweet scent as if he couldn’t breathe for hours and Kyungsoo was his only source of air. He fell asleep again, listening to Kyungsoo’s heartbeat. But when they woke up together, the harsh reality replaced the endearing dream. The fact that Kyungsoo was supposed to be just a tool for him crashed his dreams and left him in the dark once again. How he wished that they could meet under different circumstances.

Kyungsoo's chagrined expression wounded Jongin deeply, he was terrified of the possibility of Kyungsoo hating him. But when Euna asked him to leave them alone that day and Kyungsoo didn't walk away on Jongin, he knew that his worries were unnecessary. Kyungsoo was there with him and the growing fire in his eyes every time Euna touched Jongin showed him that Kyungsoo wasn't going to leave anytime soon.

Jongin wasn’t going to leave him either. He tried to escape Euna’s touch even though he couldn’t succeed but the woman realized the change in his attitude. “You have to convince him that you want to marry me or he’ll just leave.” He already regretted his decision to company Euna to her room. Her voice was low as she scolded him but it didn’t change the fact that Jongin was deeply disturbed. Who did she think she was?

"I don't want to carry out this plan anymore." He genuinely didn't. He had Kyungsoo now. He could tell Kyungsoo about the plans he did with Euna. He would be sad, of course, but ultimately, Kyungsoo was there to steal his money too. They could join hands and run away together.

"So what?" Euna let out a sneer. "You're feeling sorry for your little servant?" Again, with that belittling voice as if she wasn't the one who had planned everything. "You wanna know what he said about you? He thinks that you're too naive. You wouldn't understand what people wanted from you even if they grabbed your dick." Jongin wanted to grab the woman by the arm and drag her down the stairs and throw her out. She was probably lying anyway and-

“He said that he thinks you’re dumb. He felt sorry for you.” He halted in his place at Euna’s words. She kept walking towards her room after flashing one of her devilish grins and disappeared behind the door of her room.

Kyungsoo wouldn’t speak like that about Jongin, no, she had to be lying. But thinking about it, the only reason for Kyungsoo to be there was Euna’s offer. He wanted half of Jongin’s money according to Euna’s words. There wasn’t much that people wouldn’t do for that amount of money. Did Kyungsoo pretend the other night? Was the thought of the money he’d get from this the reason for his happiness while Jongin was happy to just to touch him?

No, he couldn't have. No one could pretend like that. He wasn't sure what they were but he knew that Kyungsoo had feelings for him. Otherwise, why would he stare at Euna as if he wanted to kill her every time she touched Jongin? Why did he run away from Jongin when he saw them kiss and didn't show up the rest of the day? No, Kyungsoo wasn't lying- at least about this.

* * *

Jongin wrapped his arms around himself and walked towards the mansion after finishing the reading session with his aunt. Kyungsoo was waiting for him when he returned his room. "I was just preparing the oils." Kyungsoo sat down on the floor and took Jongin's socks out gently as the other male seated himself on the chair next to his bed. His feet were cold as always but Kyungsoo's warmth spread over his skin. Kyungsoo's touches washed Jongin's tiredness away and everything became clearer. They had to talk. Jongin had to tell Kyungsoo what the other night meant to him. He didn't want to keep this stupid game he started with Euna, he didn't need her, he needed Kyungsoo.

But Kyungsoo kept talking about her, telling Jongin how lucky he was to have her. Wasn’t he aware the very fact that Jongin didn’t want her? Couldn’t he tell that how much his words hurt Jongin?

“Would you still want me to marry her if I told you that I loved someone else and not her?” 

Doubt and pain filled Kyungsoo’s expression. Jongin could see himself in his eyes, Kyungsoo’s brown orbs were glistening under the dim light of the gas lamp with unshed tears. “You’ll love her.”

Jongin's chest tightened with sharp pain. Kyungsoo's words cut through his skin like flamed arrows and his heart strained with such pain he never experienced before. He was getting angry. Why couldn't Kyungsoo understand? Jongin didn't want Euna, he never had. He didn't understand how it happened. He didn't understand how his hand flew up from his lap and landed on Kyungsoo's cheek. He grabbed the other man harshly, throwing him outside and leaned on the cold surface of the door and cried silently.

He wasn’t even aware of how long he cried. Maybe hours, maybe just minutes that felt like hours. His eyes landed on the boxes next to his wardrobe when he dried his face of the tears. The one that he kept the rope his uncle killed himself with. It was funny actually. No one understood why he kept that rope, Jongin himself included. He wanted a souvenir from his uncle, maybe. Or maybe it was the fate that made him keep it because one day he would need it.

He took out the rope and slowly opened his door. Kyungsoo's closet was empty, with no trace of the other man. Jongin climbed down the stairs and left the mansion, walking into the garden. His feet froze and the small rocks stung his naked skin.

He stared at the cherry tree when he reached it. The branch his uncle hanged himself was still perfectly strong. _I wish I was never born._ He climbed up on the tree and sat on that branch. He tied one end of the rope to the branch and the other to his neck. _I wish I was never born._ He held on to the branch, wrapping his hands around the length and swung himself. His arms were supposed to hurt, someone else's would but not him. He would come to this tree every night and swing himself while everyone was fast asleep. No matter how much he hoped, no matter how much he wished to find someone to hold on, he always knew that he was going to end up like his uncle. _I wish I was never born._ He couldn't cry anymore, his tears wouldn't shed just like the morning they found his uncle.

He let go of his hands.

Something felt wrong.

He wasn’t suffocating. Why wasn’t he suffocating? Did he tie the rope wrong? _Oh, there are hands on my legs._

“Let go.” He ordered the crying man at his feet.

“I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo managed to say in between sobs.

“I told you to let go.” _You don’t even care, what’s the point of living?_

“I’m sorry Master, please don’t die.” Kyungsoo sobbed harder with the last word.

“Why are you sorry for?”

"I tried to trick you into marrying that woman. We were supposed to run away with your money after locking you up in a mental home." Kyungsoo tried to explain as he could while still crying. "Please don't die Jongin. Please don't marry her."

“Are you worried about me?” He was supposed to be furious but he talked in a very calm tone that he couldn’t understand himself. It was the only time Kyungsoo called Jongin by his name after they slept together. “I’m the one who’s worried.” Kyungsoo’s curious gaze didn’t leave Jongin for even a second. “Did you really think that you could trick me? You’re the one who’s being tricked.” Kyungsoo kept watching him with curious eyes. “You were going to be locked in the institute. We were going to put you there under my name and then run away.” _I didn’t think I would fall in love with you._

Kyungsoo just stared at Jongin, his eyes wide open and his lips parted slightly. "I'm not going to apologize, you tried to trick me too," Jongin said, averting his eyes.

In that very moment, Jongin did feel like suffocating because Kyungsoo let go of his legs for a moment to yell curses at Euna. He quickly grabbed Jongin again when he realized him struggling and he held on to his legs until his breathing cleared.

Jongin climbed down from the tree with Kyungsoo’s help and the servant’s arms embraced him instantly. Jongin felt as if everything was alright again as their lips met. Maybe not at once but the days he was going to be away from his aunt were closer. They were going to fix everything together.

They walked back to Jongin's room, hand in hand and made small changes in their plans. The days where they were conspiring against each other were over, they were going to fight alongside each other and Jongin realized that the hope he felt when Euna walked into his room was nothing compared to the strength Kyungsoo's touch conveyed him.

* * *

There was no way for those who hadn't gone through what Jongin did to understand how he felt all those years that he was stuck into the life his aunt enforced on him.

A parentless child is left to his uncle but his uncle kills himself because he couldn’t bear his wife’s torture of a life. The child is now left to his aunt’s care. He learns how to read and write through violence. He struggles to protect himself against the lash of the whip as black as the heart of the woman who uses it. He discovers the things that were supposed to be thrilling through his adulthood at an age where he was expected to be playing games and sexuality, something desirable and fun for an adult, becomes a nightmare for him, numbs him. A horrible way to stay alive.

He blamed himself for all the years he spent in that hell formed of four walls, being harassed and assaulted by his aunt and the people she let get close to Jongin. They were grown people, adults wouldn’t make mistakes. Jongin was the one to blame, he could be the only reason for people to treat him the way they did. He was born a murderer, killing his mother as he left her womb. He deserved the things that happened to him.

He had to endure the pain the library caused him. His stoic expression would fall off the moment he stepped into his room. He would hide under the comforter and cry silently, he didn't even deserve to relieve himself by crying. That's how he thought when he was little, when he was a teenager and as an adult. He compelled himself to believe that his life was a punishment. Until he found Kyungsoo. Ever since he met Kyungsoo, the flames that burnt his insides blazed stronger but not in a hurtful way. He was finally able to breathe without feeling needles piercing his throat. There was no point to their relationship at first, Jongin didn't even pay attention to Kyungsoo, he was amused by the other male. What he didn't plan was to fall in love with him. He was left breathless, head over heels with his unexpected feelings and he became indifferent to his logic, letting Kyungsoo into his bed the same way the latter crawled into his heart.

It could be meaningless to others, the intimacy between lovers, but it carried a lot of weight with Jongin. It was revolutionary for him, the night he spent with Kyungsoo. If you were harassed your entire life and acquainted with sexuality so early and in such a way that Jongin did, it would turn into a nightmare, a monster that you needed to run from. It would take a long time to accept that sex wasn't something to be scared of. It would take even longer to accept that not every hand that raised was to hurt you. You couldn't imagine that someone could gently touch your cheek if your life passed with harsh slaps. And a life spent like this, wouldn't offer you any chance to love someone, anyone could be a possible abuser. You wouldn't want people to touch you because not knowing their intentions would frighten you.

He never felt this way with Kyungsoo. Like there was some invisible bound between them ever since Kyungsoo stumbled into his room. He’s been hurt for many years and just when he was about to lose hope, Euna entered his life. But it was Kyungsoo that made him feel alive, it was Kyungsoo that saved his soul, not Euna.

Jongin's been thinking about the things that he had never before ever since Kyungsoo entered his life. Like the feeling when you're in love. Sometimes the kids in his aunt's parties would talk about the love in the books they've read, and how divine it was. Jongin wouldn't know, he had conditioned himself from his childhood that any feeling was dirty because he was dirty. The things he did were dirty. He held on to that attitude with a lasting obstinacy.

He didn't know anyone outside the mansion that was a prison to him. He didn't have the chance to start a relationship nor did he want to. All the women that filled that big room of a library caused him to despise all women. It was a baseless hatred for people who didn't know him but those people had no idea about his life either. The very hatred was the only thing that helped him hold onto life. He always imagined that hatred would be an implement for him to finally leave his aunt. He wouldn't dare to think that it would be love, the very feeling he was so scared of, that was going to save him eventually.

His aunt made sure that he dissociated himself from even considering someone as a possible partner, Jongin knew that she wanted him for herself. Not that she loved or craved Jongin, she dreaded the possibility of Jongin loving someone and desiring to marry; resulting in him, sharing his fortune with an "outsider". She planted that fear in Jongin too, but in a different way. He was scared that his aunt would leave him and he would lose the only person whom he knew. If he stepped outside of that mansion, he had no one and nowhere to go. He'd be unguarded and alone; loneliness was his biggest fear and that woman was aware of it, her eyes would gleam with a wry glint as she threatened Jongin to kick him out. She was a manipulative hag but she was the only person Jongin had close to family.

But then and there, after the sweeter and more sensual lovemaking than before; as their sweaty, hot bodies contrasted in the prettiest shades of silver and gold, Kyungsoo tried balancing his breathing and Jongin knew that he had to chance to find a new family in someone completely different than his aunt. Someone who cared.

Kyungsoo planted a small kiss on the junction of his jaw, setting Jongin's skin on fire like every other time Kyungsoo's plump lips traveled on his body. _His hair smells like me,_ Jongin thought to himself as he brushed Kyungsoo's locks with his fingers, soft hair flowing with his movements. _Kyungsoo smells like me._ They showered together before they settled inside the bed, planning to sleep. Their hands betrayed their plans, so did their lips. Jongin didn't mind, neither did Kyungsoo.

His aunt was away to check the mines that Jongin's family owned, she wasn't supposed to be around for a while. He could kiss Kyungsoo freely, wrapping his strong arms around the latter's small waist. Kyungsoo was scared that the other servants would catch them and send a letter to Jongin's aunt, but Jongin knew that Kyungsoo didn't want to leave him alone. It didn't take much time to convince Kyungsoo to sleep with him at night. They just slept that night, when they confessed their plans to each other. There was no need to tell about the other nights, but it was clear to other servants that Kyungsoo had trouble walking.

They had a very small amount of time before they could act on their new plan; if everything would go the way they planned, they were going to be separated for a while. Jongin wanted to spend every second he breathed with Kyungsoo before he had to marry Euna. Kyungsoo promised him that he would never leave him and Jongin trusted him. How ironic, right? The very first time in his entire life, Jongin trusted someone and it was a hustler.

He took a deep breath, hoping to gather some courage and pulled away from Kyungsoo just enough to see his face. "I want to take you somewhere." Kyungsoo stared at him with his widely opened eyes but didn't say anything. Instead, he smiled and separated himself from Jongin after kissing his nose.

Jongin cracked the door open slowly after they dressed themselves in silence and stepped out. He couldn't even turn around and look if Kyungsoo was following him because of the fear of running into someone. Kyungsoo's fingers touched on his back then, squeezed his shoulder slightly as if he felt Jongin's worries. Could someone fall deeply in love in such a short period? Jongin understood that moment that he would never be able to love anyone else as much as he loved Kyungsoo.

He inhaled deeply after leaving the mansion. Kyungsoo was there with him, for him, taking some of the weight off of Jongin’s shoulders and Jongin, who wasn’t the one to be blamed for his life, tasted the sweetness of being loved by someone.

It was almost dawn, the sunlight was visible through the hills from afar. It was freezing but Jongin didn’t feel it, his anxiety kept him warm enough. He was scared because he was about to show Kyungsoo the reality of his life. He was terrified because he had no clue how Kyungsoo would react. He didn’t know if Kyungsoo would still want him after finding out that he spent his nights in the library, reading explicit books to older women while Kyungsoo was asleep in the closet right next to his room and the obscurity tightened his heart.

His trembling hand found Kyungsoo’s warm, steady one and he intertwined them together, leading Kyungsoo towards the library.

The library was hell on earth for Jongin. There were only two reasons for him to be there: the reading sessions with his aunt and the women at night. Jongin wanted to escape this place and never step into it again but if he was going to start a new life with Kyungsoo, he wanted it to be honest. Kyungsoo had to know what kind of a person Jongin was, what he did. This new page of their life was supposed to be filled with happy memories. He couldn’t let lies or secrets ruin what he had- what he’ll have. Of course, if Kyungsoo would still stay with him after he learned the darkest parts of Jongin’s life.

Jongin stood by and watched Kyungsoo jumpily as the latter grabbed random books from the shelves and observed them. His eyebrows knitted together with a frown forming on his face as his gentle fingers gripped the book cover rigidly. He looked at the books the same way he looked at Euna when the woman touched Jongin. Jongin knew that he was experienced, someone who had never had sex before couldn't make love like that. Jongin's knowledge came from those books and Kyungsoo was probably intimidated by the content.

Jongin should've known that it was a mistake. He should've leave the past behind, focus on their future together. He would somehow forget about it anyway. Kyungsoo didn't need to know this side of his life but there was no going back now. Jongin was telling him about everything that made him hate himself and he already knew the result: Kyungsoo was going to be grossed out by him and leave him. He wasn't going to keep his promise, Jongin was going to be abandoned once again. He was going to have to marry his aunt and eventually kill himself because heavens only knew that Jongin would rather surrender himself to eternal darkness than coming back together with that woman.

"That sick woman made you read these every night?" Jongin wasn't sure if he should relieve or get even more scared when his eyes met with Kyungsoo's. There was no trace of judgment or disdain in those eyes but they were furious. It was obvious that Kyungsoo was trying to stay calm but his voice trembled when he asked. Jongin's tears trailed a warm, wet road down his cheeks and fell on his shirt as he slowly nodded. "The other women listened?"

“Yes.”

"When did you start doing these sessions?"

"I can't exactly remember but it was an early age." He could barely talk in between sobs. "Too early."

Kyungsoo closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, he peered around as if he was looking for something after he opened his eyes again. He walked towards another bookcase a few steps ahead of them and opened the book he grabbed. Jongin wanted to tell him to stop. He just wanted Kyungsoo to know him with every aspect of him, he didn't need to be included or learn about the enormity of that woman. But before Jongin could say something, Kyungsoo did something that he didn't expect the least and ripped the book apart. And then another, and another.

Kyungsoo tore down the books that agonized Jongin for the longest time while all Jongin could do was cry silently and watch Kyungsoo from side. He threw the ones he couldn't harm in the small pond on the floor. He knocked over the shelves and with Kyungsoo's every blow, every page he ripped, Jongin could feel that he could breathe easier. He was never going to return here. Never.

"It's okay." Jongin turned his gaze towards Kyungsoo but it was hard to see the man through the tears. He didn't even realize that he sank to the ground until Kyungsoo crouched down next to him. Kyungsoo panted a small kiss on his head and muffled him into his arms. "It's okay," Kyungsoo whispered again and right at that moment, Jongin realized that there was nothing that he wouldn't do for this man holding him in his safe and warm embrace. He realized that what he felt for Kyungsoo was more than simple love and gratitude.

He fell in love with his man who stormed into his life.

* * *

It was no shock to Euna that Jongin requested Kyungsoo to stay on his side when they get married, she was expecting it. They had to keep Kyungsoo close to use him.

Kyungsoo wasn't happy with their situation; they both laid bare their intentions and no secrets were left in between them. He wanted to run away without having to deal with Euna. He was frustrated that Jongin was going to marry Euna even though he knew it was fake. They had no clue about Euna's plans; if they ran away without thinking thoroughly, Euna could send word to Jongin's aunt and she would catch them before they could even leave the country. Jongin couldn't risk it. He convinced Kyungsoo that it was a safe way even though the latter didn't seem so willing.

He was hiding it from Kyungsoo but Jongin was frightened. Euna was no good, she could try stealing Jongin’s money and betray him, using the opportunity of his aunt’s absence but she didn’t. No, the ceremony happened and they started living away from the mansion, in a modest house, preparing for the last part of their plans.

They were almost there, Jongin had very little left to free himself from his life but he couldn’t feel happy. Fear crept into his mind with every car engine he heard through the window, terrified of the possibility of his aunt finding them. He spent his nights in the same room as Euna so that the servants wouldn’t suspect anything but his longing for Kyungsoo grew bigger with every passing day. There was just a thin wall between them, a wall that he couldn’t pierce through and hold his lover.

He already lost weight before he got married and he kept losing during. He couldn't stand the man looking back at him in the mirror. His face was thinner and the bags under his eyes were visible. He hated himself even more whenever he caught Kyungsoo's worried looks but there wasn't much he could do. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep. He just wanted this nightmare that was his life to end and rest.

Euna left the house to withdraw Jongin’s money one day and when she returned there were men in suits with her. Right, the men from the institution. The next day, Kyungsoo was going to be locked up and the most important part going to be left to Jongin.

* * *

Kyungsoo squeezed Jongin's hand one last time before he stepped out of the vehicle. The silk shirt he wore belonged to Jongin, it looked huge on Kyungsoo, leaving his neck open. How Jongin wished that he could kiss him.

Jongin positioned himself next to Euna, his head bent down, he could cry if he looked at Kyungsoo. He wasn't supposed to stay here for long; it would take only two days or even just a day if Jongin could succeed but the mental institution stories he heard from his aunt were enough for him to be scared. He didn't want to leave Kyungsoo here and as if Kyungsoo felt the same way, he suddenly wrapped his arms around Jongin's neck and Jongin felt his lover's soft limps on his skin for only a second.

Kyungsoo shot him a reassuring smile after he pulled away before the same men who visited them grabbed him by his arms. Jongin was in between laughing and screaming. He was amused by the way Kyungsoo kicked and cursed but he was also vexed about the way those men grasped him tightly. He tried to control his expression and glanced at Euna shortly. The woman's eyes were fixed on Kyungsoo, Jongin hoped that she believed the scene in front of her because Kyungsoo was a goddamn good actor. Jongin had to bite the insides of his cheeks to stop himself from laughing and he could taste the blood filling his mouth.

After they took Kyungsoo inside the building, Jongin turned towards Euna and wiped his fake tears. She was watching Jongin with squinted eyes, a trace of smirk on her lips. “I’m hungry.”

She squinted further and crossed her arms over her chest. “We just took away the freedom of a young man, don’t you care at all?” What. A. Bitch. Like she cared.

“I said,” Jongin walked closer to her, dropping his voice an octave, “I’m hungry.” He stepped inside the car. He couldn’t wait to get rid of her but he had to. For Kyungsoo, he had to tolerate her just a little longer.

* * *

“Marry me.”

Jongin almost spat out the wine he was drinking as he was comfortably seated in the chair of the fancy restaurant Euna brought him to. "I know someone, he can change your identity. Marry me again, as Do Kyungsoo." It must be a joke. It had to be.

“I thought you only desired my money.” Jongin flashed a rather meaningful smile to her as he recalled her words from that day when they were caught in the rain.

“I like you.”

When Jongin stared at the woman, he spotted something in her eyes that he had never before: sincerity. She was smiling a little and Jongin could see the traces of hope on her face. But yet again, there was something that Jongin should never forget. Euna was a liar, a good one in that matter.

"Poor Kyungsoo." Jongin cared to sound mocking but he was anxious. What if things didn't work out as they planned? He didn't even imagine that Euna would suddenly offer such a thing. It didn't matter if she liked him, she should've known that they could never be together. She, herself, said the very first night that they met that she could not seduce Jongin, and now she thought that they could have an actual relationship? Something wasn't right. "Don't you think about him?" If she could judge Jongin about being at ease after taking a young man's freedom, then he could do the same.

"Why would I? He was just a simple fraud." She shrugged and reached for her wine glass and Jongin had to bite his lips to keep himself from talking back. Who did she think she was to talk in such a way about Kyungsoo? Kyungsoo was involved in Jongin's life because of Euna's own fraudulence. "I only care about you, I love you."

Jongin spat out the wine with her last words and released a loud laugh which he would regret later. Was she joking? "I thought you only like me?" Jongin leaned back on his chair and kept talking acerbically. "What would a fraud like you know about love?"

Euna seemed visibly shaken by Jongin words which seemed pointless to Jongin. She already knew he didn't like her. And it was no lie; Euna, Kyungsoo, and Jongin were all frauds. They all made plans to trick one another and used each other, they were still using each other. It someone was supposed to resent, it should've been Jongin. _She thought he'd like her?_

* * *

It's time. His heart was beating so fast, he was scared the small organ would rip his ribcage apart. The deep breaths didn't help him calm down. Not because of fear but of excitement. Kyungsoo couldn't wait to leave this building and meet with Jongin, embracing him tightly and inhaling his scent. It hasn't even been a day since they got separated but every second they spent apart felt as if his entire body was covered in papercuts. He hurt in every movement. But it was going to be over soon because it was time. So little left to leave this place and meet the man he loved.

He could smell the smoke as he sat there, observing the bug coming out of his meal. One of the caretakers must have smelled it too, he opened the kitchen door immediately and called for others to help him get the other patients out. Kyungsoo found himself in chaos shortly. Everyone was screaming and running around.

The door which led to outside through the kitchen opened and two people walked in, running towards Kyungsoo. _Jongin's men._ They must have thought that the fireproof jacket wouldn't be enough, they drenched Kyungsoo with water and they walked outside through the flames.

There, it was over in a heartbeat. He was finally free and all he had to do was to wait for Jongin. He didn’t get the chance to tell Jongin this but he could wait for him for an eternity.

* * *

Jongin kept the condensed opium close since the day Euna gave him the small bottle. He placed it back inside his pocket after dropping three drops in one of the wine glasses. He wasn’t sure what he’d do next would work but he’d rather dying than letting that woman touch him.

He didn't expect it to be open immediately as he knocked on the woman's door but there she was, leaned over the doorframe with a big smile on her face, her arms thrown back and clasped together from behind to show her body that she jammed into a tight nightdress. "You saved me from that hell and for that, I'm grateful." Jongin felt his heart throbbing on his throat. The last time he was this scared, he was just a little boy. He witnessed things that would chase him in his nightmares in the cistern.

He felt sick just looking at the woman. He wasn't supposed to be there. Every cell in his body was screaming at him to run away. _Kyungsoo._ He was doing this for him so that they could be together. "I decided to let you kiss me." He stretched out the glass with the opium to her.

She stared at the glass for a few seconds and her gaze met with Jongin's again. Her dark and emotionless orbs made it hard for Jongin to interpret what she was thinking and it made him panic further. "No." Right that moment, Jongin felt a sharp ache on his chest. She turned down his offer? Did she change her mind? What if she decided that she didn't want Jongin anymore? How was he supposed to trick her then? Fuck, why did nothing go as planned? Was he not going to see Kyungsoo again?

"Why?" He tried to stop his voice from shaking, cold sweat was running down his spine. He hoped his face wasn't the same.

“If we start kissing, I wouldn’t know how to stop.” Stupid woman. Stupider Jongin. Anger and mockery replaced his panic simultaneously and Jongin just stared at the woman.

“Please do so.” Euna stared at him through squinted eyes as if she was contemplating the idea while Jongin tried to keep his disgust of the thought of kissing someone besides Kyungsoo from his face.

“These are not the eyes of someone willing.” Euna pointed at Jongin’s eyes. Her expression was still impossible to read. _Please take a sip, please drink your wine._ “Yet again, I am not able to control my lust.” Her empty hand grabbed Jongin’s arm and then it moved up to his neck, touching his cheek after. She tilted Jongin’s head and kissed him. The touch of their lips was enough to turn Jongin’s stomach upside down. Her touch, her kiss, nothing about her felt like Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo always made Jongin want more and what Euna made him was to escape the room.

He pulled away from her with a fake smile on his lips and took a sip from his wine, hoping that she would mirror his movements.

“I have so much to teach you.” Jongin tried to fake a moan when Euna started sucking on his neck but it came out as if he was crying. “You’re going to be a brand new man. “ Jongin’s panic raised as she moved her lips on his neck. He froze when her hands moved down on his chest, unbuttoning his shirt one by one, he couldn’t move or think. He could only feel the dread felling his veins. He recalled the things his aunt did, the harassings of her servants and how he fell asleep crying and how he couldn’t even move a finger as Euna kept touching her.

He felt the same way as he felt on his first night in the library, the first night he read those books to women. Dirty and used. He hated the fact that he yielded to Euna but that was the way he was raised. He didn't have any rights; people could do anything to him, use him the way they wanted because he had no value. He had no one to share his pain with when he was hurt and it didn't matter that he was hurt because he didn't matter.

Euna stopped kissing Jongin and stared him straight in the eyes and in that very moment, it wasn't a self-centered, cold woman looking at Jongin. No, it was a man, the man whom Jongin loved how his hair fell over his squinted eyes as his lips formed a heart when he smiled widely and his cheeks glowed in the sweetest shade of pink. The man whom Jongin was in love with. The man who loved him back. The man who shared his pain and promised that he would never let Jongin get hurt again. _His savior._

_He wasn’t going to give up._

He sloshed down his glass and grabbed Euna's. _If you won't drink it, I'll make you._ He took a sip and kept it in his mouth, cupping Euna's cheeks, he pressed their lips again and emptied the liquid into her mouth. Euna seemed surprised first but then she approached Jongin closer. Her moans caused Jongin to grimace in disgust but he kept doing it until her glass was clean.

When Euna gave him the opium, she said that it would work immediately but she seemed just fine after drinking the wine. She pushed Jongin down on the mattress and hovered above him. Jongin got anxious as her hands trailed a way down to his trousers. He didn't want to lose Kyungsoo, he needed him. He needed him close because he didn't know how he'd survive without his love anymore. He grabbed Euna's hand, mentally cursing at the woman. She must have lied about the opium. She stared at Jongin with raised eyebrows, she looked like she wanted to say something but she couldn't speak. Then something that helped Jongin relieve ever since he was separated from Kyungsoo happened. _Euna collapsed on him._

_It worked. She passed out._

Jongin threw her off of himself and stood up. He didn't even realize he was crying until he saw his reflection on the tall mirror. He dried his cheeks and grabbed his shirt that Euna tossed aside. Kyungsoo was waiting. It was the only thought lingering on his mind as he buttoned his shirt.

He didn’t even need to search the room to find his money. Euna hid the bag in the wardrobe. Genius.

He left Euna on the bed and left for his room, he had to rush. He told the servants back at the mansion that he was running away with Euna and asked them to tell his aunt when she returned from the mines. Which was that day. They had already determined the hotel they were going to stay after locking Kyungsoo up before they even put the plan in process, so Jongin also left the address before he left the mansion. His aunt probably already sent his men over there, he needed to get out at once.

He didn’t feel the slightest distress leaving Euna there. Euna deserved the worst things that could come her way and Jongin’s aunt was definitely the worst thing that could ever happen to someone. She deserved to be punished for the way she forced herself on Jongin.

He could only think about Kyungsoo as he stepped out of the hotel building. They did it. Everything was moving smoothly. They were finally free of Euna, Jongin’s aunt and they had a future waiting for them to spend together.

* * *

“Jongin!”

The most soothing warmness spread over Jongin's chest when he heard Kyungsoo calling his name. He was running towards Jongin; his lips stretched into a wide smile and his eyes sparkled like the stars in a clear night sky. Jongin moved towards him so naturally and they met in the middle. Kyungsoo's arms joined together around Jongin's neck as Jongin folded him into a tight embrace. Jongin didn't realize the actual extent of longing he felt towards Kyungsoo until he breathed in his scent. He couldn't bear to be away from him anymore, he was finally entirely aware of it.

He wanted to protest when Kyungsoo pulled away but the latter warned him not to, bringing his finger to his lips. There were people around. Kyungsoo grabbed his hand and tugged him towards the stairs of the hotel he was staying at. He closed the door as soon as they were inside his room and pushed Jongin on the hard surface of the door, molding their lips together into a fervent kiss. This was right, this felt good. His lips were gentle but still tough with the craving desire formed by the elapsed time. Jongin belonged to Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo to him, no one else could make them feel the same as they felt when they were together.

Jongin didn’t know how long they kissed like that, how they moved towards the bed and how they undressed each other. But as they drowned in each other, he knew that they were fine and they were going to stay together until their last breaths.

“You’ll wear a fake mustache.” Kyungsoo’s breath tickled his naked chest. “You need a photograph with it, for the fake identity.”

Jongin planted a kiss on his head and hugged his tighter. “It feels weird not to have anything to worry about. I’m still scared honestly. It feels like she could barge in through the door any time.”

Kyungsoo kissed his collarbone and raised his head. “She won’t. Even if she did, she can’t touch you.” He climbed on Jongin’s lap and wrapped his arms around him. “I’d rather die than to let her touch you again.”

"I love you." His feelings were obvious both to him and Kyungsoo, he knew he couldn't leave without him but it meant a lot to him to say it out loud. He had never been so honest to anyone else before, he had never felt so vulnerable. It wasn't a poor vulnerability, it was the kind that'd set him free. That'll help him live his life in total clarity after all the years of secrets and lies.

“I love you too.”

* * *

The voyage carried a lot of weight for Jongin. He wasn’t only going to spend this long trip with Kyungsoo but he was also going to leave this painful place and the nightmarish memories behind. They wouldn’t have troubles with money, Jongin’s fortune would suffice them for years.

His eyes didn't leave Kyungsoo as they entered their room. He still couldn't believe it; he did not only run from his aunt but he did it together with the man he loved. He wasn't walking through this thornless flower road that his life took a turn to.

They rented the biggest room on the ship. The bad memories chased Jongin as they stepped into it. The first night that they married, Euna forced herself on him again, trying to remove his clothes. "He might be listening to us," She said, talking about Kyungsoo, "It needs to be realistic." She was staring at him angrily. Jongin removed her hands from his nightshirt and lowered his pants after settling inside the bed. Euna must have thought that he agreed so she made a move towards the bed but she pulled away after seeing Jongin's glare. Jongin closed his eyes as he laid down under the soft comforter and recalled his night with Kyungsoo as he touched himself. It didn't take him long to spill into his palm, even the thought of Kyungsoo was enough, considering that he hadn't touched the other man for days.

"That would be realistic enough for him." He pulled up his pants and left the room to clean himself, ignoring Euna's vexed looks. She was a crazy person if she thought Jongin would sleep with her.

He shook his head to chase away the disturbing memories and focused on Kyungsoo who was busy examining the room. There was no need to remember those paining moments. The man he loved was beside him and they could create new, happier ones. He’d be fine as long as Kyungsoo was with him.

Jongin stepped towards Kyungsoo and planted a small kiss on his worn-from-too-much-kissing lips. “Your lips are so pretty, you know that right?” His arms wrapped around Kyungsoo’s small waist, thinner than it should be. He needed to make sure that Kyungsoo ate well.

“You think?” Kyungsoo’s fingers ghosted his neck, stopping to massage his stiffened muscles.

“Mm, making me want to kiss you nonstop.”

Kyungsoo took his lower lip between his teeth and tilted his head innocently. Nothing about him was innocent and he _knew_ it. “No one’s stopping you.”

Jongin grabbed Kyungsoo's legs a with a chuckle, making the other one shriek with the sudden move and held him securely. Their lips connected as if they were molded so carefully to fit together completely in sync and Jongin realized in that very moment that he'd never get tired of this. They could kiss for hours and it would still feel as if it was the first time.

Jongin fell in love with Kyungsoo before even knowing what love meant and he was going to love this man eternally.

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me @kayipkahraman on twitter & curiouscat
> 
> thanks for reading!


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